Forget about Texas--- Don't Mess With Her Bacon




Our Mady Moo is a ripe old age of 4.
I told someone she was 5  like 8 hours ago…  she corrected me.
Not the person.

Mady.

Whuuuut…said me?
I thought you were 5.



I can't add.  Obviously.
And shit damn hell if she's not in Kindergarten this year now…
but that's another story and obviously some more work & planning for me to pencil in now.

I'm just kidding.
About the Kindergarten thing.  
I really can't add and got her age wrong.   


So I can't add.
Nor remember my children's ages.
But I can hear.  


And what I hear-- most days--- is the pull of the grenade pin that signals the onslaught of what will be… " the screams of Mady Moo."

Click….. hissssssssssssssssssssss… BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(infinity X infinity)

Mady is a pro at effin screamin her head off when she is pissed off, tired, sad, mad, angry, hungry, cranky, sleepy, dissed, ditched or jus' plain wronged.

Don't wrong da man.
Don't you dare wrong  da wee 4 year old wo-man.

Who likes to dress herself and as I'll tell you later.  Eat bacon and .. not share. 




Just try to tell her it's 98 degrees out and that her stealthily chosen,  pink knee high boots are not appropriate water slide gear when she comes out in front of everyone you have in your backyard.

I dare you.
DOUBLE DOG * debby hisses* 

She's a pro friends.  She's got this shit down pat and the only thing you'll do is tell her what great traction they'll give her when climbing the slide.

"Don't mess with her fashion" coined DBD (my husband.)


The most recent scream fest you ask?
Weren't you there?
Didn't it make the news?



We went to dinner tonight.  I took the lot of them by myself because I AM A GOOD MOTHER and my husband is out of town.  Took them to our local Eat N Park.   A joint that only old people frequent and families with children like mine.



You should have heard her scream when she discovered that I ATE her second to last piece of COLD ASS BACON sitting on her "all done plate." 

Ohh.. you shoulda heard it.  
I watched in horror as it all  unfolded.

It was like slow mo….
she put down her my little pony. 
Turned her head to me, looked at her plate, then to me, then to her plate, then to me, then to her plate, then to me. 

Click…..






 hissssssssssssssssssssss… 









* my eyes got big* 


BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(infinity X infinity)


You could hear all of the hearing aides bursting around me.

Water glasses shattering and throwing piercing shards into strawberry pies and open faced roast beef sandwiches smothered in gravy.  (Yum)

Most embarrassing moment of fresh hell----in my life.  




Mo Fo if she didn't THROW HER MIGHTY tiny lil HEAD BACK AND ROAR LIKE A WILDE BEAST PROTECTING HER wee baby  wilde BEASTIES.

 Wee Baby BEASTIES THAT I HAD STOLEN BACON FROM!!


 So embarrassing that I began to cry nervous laughter tears while she flipped her shit. 
Not only flipping shit-- BUT SCREAMING THAT I HAD STOLEN HER BACON. 

AND EATEN IT. 

Which crime was worse..I cannot say. 


I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 

Because 
1.  I was STILL CHEWING IT while she was SCREAMING TO ALL THE OLD PEOPLE about the felon who had stolen her BACONS.   I was in danger of choking PEOPLE.   My life was in danger in SO MANY WAYS. 

2.  Don't judge. 
I was AFRAID.   

I thought she was goinna get the nun chucks next and beat that bacon out of my mouth.

So I did what any parent would do. 

I lied. 
While I crunched the bacon slowly. 



This only further enhanced the acoustical screams because not only is she a professional screamer.. she's also clearly (in hindsight) not A DUMB ASS.


Then I am, apologizing, while she is screaming like a banshee, pleading for my life as if she is Tony Soprano while bacon fell from my mouth as I laughed a nervous laugh.

As IF-- she had shown us ALL of her screaming talents.

Oh no.  Her show wasn't done.


You wanna know how to piss off a BLEATING WILDE BEAST even more?
LIE TO HER , then LAUGH AT HER.

I think we're banned from Eat N Park now.



The Felon Who Stole The Bacon:
  KDKA 10PM News





This incident is by no means a reflection of my ongoing parenting skills.
I'm proud of my parenting.
I think.

Just shut up.

2 comments:

Bama Girl in AZ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bama Girl in AZ said...

make that Hilarious!