You're Cordially Invited-- To A Cliche.



When we were married 11 years ago we celebrated at the wise age of 26 with a fairly decent-lavish Pittsburgh Pirogi style affair.

 It was fantastic in all it's cookie table glory.   I bellied up.


I dug in.


So concerned was I with the color of the bows on the cake, the poofiness of my dress, whether or not my arms looked flabby and what gift I'd give my bridesmaids that I never considered the relationship I was about to embark on nor the supposed commitment I was making.



You are cordially invited to the cliche of Debby and Steve. 



"Look around…" said a family member "remember this day forever." 

Ohh that's SO sweet of him. 


Hook line and sinker… I dug in. 



I didn't realize how little footing I truly had until years later when the ground beneath me revealed that the very foundation I was digging into… was cement.  

And sometimes bitter ice.

 It wasn't mean for roots. 
 Wasn't primed for growth.
It wasn't grass we watered. 


So I  covered it with turf.  For 11 years until this past summer.



Since July of this year my husband and I have experienced a heartbreaking separation. A difficult marriage of 11 years... crumbled into final pieces while our sweet children watched. 

It's been the most exhausting 4 months of my life and the turf has been pulled back to reveal the true situation. 


I wrote this post during one of the days I was struggling. 
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each morning brings the slow blinking wake up.
It's become routine for me.  I'm a real  sloth "go getter" these days.

I wonder if  anyone on match.com will be searching for a sloth.

Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

The light in the room is always piercing.
Retina Burn Def Con 1.

In 6 plus years I STILL have not replaced those mother lovin' curtains with black ghetto spray paint on my windows.  It would be so much more effective for wallowing in my "I should be in a black hole--but I'm too busy to wallow--- depression?"

Stupid morning light.  Stupid curtains.

I must add this to my "100 house changes I'm making in 10 days" list.  I seem determined to fulfill every house project that ever was, and never came to be.

House Project #345
Buy black spray paint and mace his sorry ass ghetto paint the bedroom windows. 


My head cinder blocks on my pillow while I  muster the inner strength to propel myself into the day.
People are waiting.
I have joy to sew on the world.
Things need done.
I think the kids need food.

By the sound of it as I hold my breath listening....
They've found the food.

They've also spilled the milk.

Sigh...




Don't cry kids.  *weeping* 
It's just milk.
 Get a bounty and wipe it up or call the dog in.
Just don't call me.

I'll clean up her milk shitz later.


I return to my thoughts of potentially lying in bed for 567 effing years 5 more minutes but instead find some sense of responsibility to the world knocking at my door.

I hate door knockers.


I roll with it though and instead try to visualize myself skipping through the day.

Happy and productive.
Glad to be me.
Like some loon not going through the pits of emotional hell only to find yourself tarred and on route to extinction.

Oh it isn't THAT bad.
I'm just dramamamamatic.





I blink a few more times, adjusting to the shiv of light and open my eyes fully.

I gaze across the bed to the sight of well.... not a thing. 

An instant reminder....

That I am alone.








Somewhat Sigh.


Maybe today I can decide if this is a good thing or not.



Until then-- where's that fucking black spray paint.

___________________________________________________


It's hard for me to read even now. 
This is what I remember of my life.  Overwhelming heaviness. 

A reeling sensation…hidden for 4 months while I tried to keep it all together. 
All the while  leaning on God,  family members and friends.   

Falling  into them during a time when there was not even a cement block beneath me. 


Fast forward to today," tears" later….  my husband and I have finally crumpled up the cliche and are  attempting to figure out a path to fertile ground, together. 

 For the first time in 11 years.  I am hopeful. 



What I've learned during this entire process...


Marriage isn't the 350 person guest list. 
It isn't the grooms cake vs the wedding cake. 
It isn't what the flower girl will wear. 



Those pretty little cliches are sold pacakged beautifully with a 24 carat ring.

When the rings come off, when the cliche withers… what is left staring at you? 


All that's truly left… ….are the two of you and the ground your standing on. 



Make sure it's rich and then dig in.  


Skip the cake and the hoopla newlyweds. 
 Don't ask for turf on your registry. 


Dig each other and then dig in-- deep.  
You'll need it. 



xo 





















9 comments:

According to Mags... said...

I love you for posting this. And I hope you guys find what makes you happy...together! Much love, Deb!

Kmama said...

I'm so sorry that you have been going through such a rough time! I'm glad you are finding your path though, and I pray that everything works out for the best! Love you!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

You are not a sloth. Not at all. You are way too hard on yourself. You are a strong woman going through a very difficult time. The easy thing to do would be to stay in the marriage and muddle along. The hard thing is deciding you deserve a happier life and searching for that happiness all the while knowing there will be a lot of misery along the journey. You love your children more than life and so does Steve. You guys will raise 3 girls who know this. And you will teach them to push through difficult situations to find their path. In the meantime, I'll bring the cheetos and Sam Adams to your pity party. You can cry if you want to. ((hugs))

Poolside with the Girls said...

Haven't talked to you in forever. I'm hoping things work out for you and your family. You're right that marriage is not about the wedding at all. Wishing you nothing but the best my friend.

Nicole said...

I love this post. It's raw but inspiring. Hope you two find happiness =D

BNM said...

I havent visited in a long time Im so sorry you are going through this and I hope that each of you will find happiness.

Cameron said...

Debby~ that was written with pure honesty and a place I was once at a long time ago. I have since had to do what was best for me and in the long run everything in life turned out the way it should. It was a long, rough, emotional journey through hell but you are a strong woman and I know that no matter what path you and Steve decide on, you have the stength to get through it even if it is at a snails pace at first. Take one day at a time...take one moment at a time....You have an army rooting the two of you on and know at any hour, any day....I am here! I am hopeful...hopeful...hopeful!!! XOXOXOOXOXOX

Shell said...

Oh D, I had no idea.

Marriage is so freaking hard. Sending you lots of love. xo

chitownmomma said...

Hugs, dear friend. Love your honesty and willingness to put this out there. You are brave and stronger than you will ever know. Love to you!