Oh Joyous Gift

So DBD gets to go away on all these awesome trips.  In the name of "business"

* FULL ON 'GLARE' QUOTES*

Seriously.  

It's never to missions in Africa to save all the children from that one horrid holiday song, Feed the World.  

Which for those of you still yet unaware-- I've been singing like THIS for 20 plus years. 

Do they know it's Christmas time at allllll…….

ME:  " we go woooah oahhh oahhh" 

ME:  " DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO "

ME"  "we go woooah oahhh oahhh" 

ME: " DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO "

When in reality it's actually. 

Reality:   FEEEDDDDD THE WORRRLLDD

Realtiy: Do they know it's Christmas time at all. 

Reality:   FEEEDDDDD THE WORRRLLDD

Realtiy: Do they know it's Christmas time at all. 

Twenty some years.  

My sis broke the news. 

I was … just….

well.   A little embarrassed.

And a bit sad. 

I love my we go's. 

So anyways--- the BEST BEST gift of all that I will receive this holiday is a punishment delivered to my husband's doorstep for all of his " air quote business meetings."

HIS NEXT ONE is in Orlando ( oh sadness befalls) in January. 

For a week.  

So he comes home from his ANNUAL BUSINESS MEETING * reads PENGUIN GAME $300 TICKETS PER PERSON)  and says--- 

You'll never guess what I GOT SIGNED UP TO DO during our convention in January.

*( I love these opportunities) 

ME:   Wear a coconut bra!?

ME:   Synchronized Swimming?!

ME:  SAVE THE "WE GO'S???" 

ME:  POSSIBLY FUCKING WORK?

DBD--- * smirk eyes*

No. 

I got signed up…

WAIT FOR IT. 

( I LOVE DOING THIS)

WAIT FOR IT..

IT'S SO GOOD. 

I 

GOT

SIGNED UP

DURING OUR BIG 

DINNER MEETING 

IN FRONT OF 600 PEOPLE 

TO BE IN A 

FLASH MOB 

Oh Dear Baby Jesus.  

Thank you for this" Joyous Gift" Of The Holidays.   

AIR QUOTES!

Amen. 

Please also save the "we go's." 

Rollin Like Rudolph

This is how we roll here in Da Burgh' and subsequently get a lotta laughs.

Time Magazine

When I was in highschool my creative writing teacher Karen Thomas wrote me a note I'll never forget.  She said, I'll watch for you on the cover of Time.


2 things

I loved her.

I'm pretty sure THIS blog here .. is the same as Time magazine, no?


Yes.  Positivioso.

The BOME list-- Holiday Cards.

I usually think I'm so super smart -- that I send " New Year's Cards" to everyone.

Because I . Am. Awe. Some.


Happy New Year -- From the Perry's.


I'm the first card in your mailbox for the new year-- and I should then get a reward of some Ugg boot sort.  I push for you to hate my timeliness and " with it ness."  To be THAT mom.

But mostly because fucking Christmas Cards are the BANE of my existence!

Bane.
Of.
My.
Existence.

BOME.
Only,  next to grab bags and the post office though.  Those two items need no introduction to reasoning for being on the " BOME" list.   They need to hire robots during the holiday season--- to come to my house and take the fucking grab bag gifts I've bought.. yet not sent out yet.

  I am NOT doin the post office without a little margarita in me  Cuz--- I can't take it.  It's worse than the cashier in aisle 34 of our Walmart that continually got her watch caught on the bag em up carousel.

Seriously, the 14th time isn't funny anymore.
FUCKING RING MY SOUP UP.  I'M PAYING A NANNY TO WATCH MY KID SO I CAN FREAKIN SHOP IN PEACE AND NOW YOU ARE CRAMPIN MY STYLE WITH YOUR MOLASSES SELF AND WATCH ISSUES.   YOU OWE ME 9.00 NOW for the hour I SPENT WATCHING YOU UNHOOK YOUR WATCH.


Kill me dead please.
I ALWAYS choose the line!! * whiny voice*  WHY WHY WHY


Regardless.  I am off topic now.  BOME's.  I have so many BOME"s this season that Im feeling a little humbuggish and not so SEASONAL to be honest.


So much so that THIS YEAR-- I tried to have some spirit and actually send CHRISTMAS CARDS OUT.   As if the Christmas cards would paper cut my scrooge soul-- and infuse me with merriment and mirth.

 They look like this.

They deserve to be sent.  I look HAWT.
They're total merriment and mirth worthy, no?



Here's how it went down.
1 hour of my life taking the pics with my evil little 2 year old-- who refused to put the cheezit bag down and with my 8 year old who said out loud to my incredible personal professional on site super wow, awesome photographer " I LIKE PICTURE PEOPLE BETTER."
* be gone with you-- you are out of this family child*  Is what I wanted to say.  Instead I growled.  I'm pretty certain.  No words.  Just a low, curling growl.  It was eerie.

I become more eerie the more I am a mom and pushed to my outer mind limits?
You feel me?

So 1 hour of my life taking HAWT pics
1 week anticipating the HAWT pics as my photographer edits to make me even HAWT. ER.
1 hour JOYOUSLY looking at said HAWT Christmas Card.
1/2 hour thinking--- How am I so HAWT and yet not invited to Victoria's Secret Angel Wing Thing?
2 min thinking-- fuck.  I should have had it say " HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
1 min thinking--- instead I should have also had it say-- signed "YOUR HAWTNESS" lmaoooo
1 min getting serious again--
2 hours stuffing the cards in the envelopes
2 minutes thinking-- SHIT.. should the front be in the front, or in the back.
1 minute telling myself to Fuck Off-- who gives a crap if they see your HawT face peeking out when they open the envelope.

1 month on desk , stuffed. Staring at me.  Mocking me.
Closer to Christmas deadline for mailing.
1 hour surfing through little black book -- that always resurfaces during the holiday magically.
There are no addresses in it that I want to use.  Even remotely.
1/2 hour  pissed off at the black book.
1 more week sitting on desk.

1 minute thinking…. should I Email everyone?
   2 nanon seconds saying.. yuck fou.   No.  I dont' feel like it.
I hate these cards.
They threaten my holiday cordial spirit.


They taunt me.
I want to burn them.

What to do.

How about a little shout out on facebook?  Is that tackY?

Super.  Works for me.



If I can stand you-- and you want one of my awesome cards please message me with your addy. 


And you know what.. it worked.



1 hour spent addressing envelopes to people from every crevice of the facebook Earth.
All but FOUR DONE.  WOO HOO

Where are my cards now?

Sitting in my SUV cubby.  For 3 days now.

I just cannot fathom the post office.   There is not enough salt in the dead sea for my margarita needed upon entrance.  I'll wait for the robots.


Nor am I EVEN THINKING AOUT  asking the aisle 34  Walmart watch lady to order me up 30 books of stamps.
She'll get fucking tangled in her conveyor belt during the process.

I can't have this happening before Christmas.
It will ruin my holiday cordial-ness.


Are you cards done?
Wait.. I have 56 of  yours already.

You all are on my BOME list too.







PS.  My awesome photog in the Pittsburgh area is www.framesofinfinity.com  

You too can look super HAWT like me.

Driving DBD

Where to sir?


He didn't think that was very funny.

I did.


Seems I'm spending some of my time driving my husband around these days as per doctors orders as he FUCKING PASSED OUT WHILE DRIVING A CAR and having a coughing fit.

Did you know this shit?
Did you KNOW you could pass out while coughing?

Let me survey the readers.

1..2…6..

5 say no.  1 asshole says yes.


Isn't here always one asshole who says-- Yes.  In fact, I DID know that.

He's not getting a christmas card.

So passing out.  While coughing.
This seasons little black warning label.

NOT PASS OUT while … drinking yourself into a stupor.
NOT, PASS OUT while ramming your head into a steel beam.

Pass out-- WHILE COUGHING.




Seems that should be a warning on every freaking tissue box or something MR. GOVERNMENT??

I KNOW not to lick outlets.
I KNOW not to wear heels without stockings.  BIG MISTAKE
I KNOW not to wear my Spanx two sizes too small.  I sound breathy… when doing so.  Sexy.  Cuz I can't freakin breath.
 I KNOW DBD can pass out from the mere mention of a COLD HARD STEEL NEEDLE going into his precious baby boy skin… ( he just hit the floor.. told u so)




I KNOW these things.

And now I shall do a public service announcement for all of you-- but refer to it as a " P. S. A"  because it sounds funnier.

 BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
THIS IS NOT A TEST.
I REPEAT.. THIS IS NOT A TEST THAT STILL FREAKS YOUR KID OUT WHO IS AFRAID THAT EVERY BLEEPING BLEEP… MEANS A TORNADO IS COMING IN WESTERN PA BECAUSE SHE WATCHED THE WIZARD OF OZ.

People of the INTER-netZ

You can fucking pass out from coughing.

Your muscles can constrict so tight that they hit a nerve somewhere all up in there--- and make you see stars.



Word to the wise Yo.
Put THAT on your tissue box AND BLOW.

That's All I Get?

His head slumped after a coughing fit… cough.. cough... cough ….wheeze… wheeeeeeezzzzzze and he was gone. His foot hit the pedal and we accelerated at full speed into the car in front of us. It was as if we were underwater and trudging through vats of sand. Everything was so slow. Every movement magnified. The polar opposite of what was really happening. Time began to turtle… though in "real time" we were moving through seconds of our lives with the speed of a bullet.

As we careened forward and I saw what was about to happen, I thought not about the impact into the rear end of the vehicle in front of us, not about my own life at risk, not about my sister sitting in the back seat--but instead…I thought to myself as I stared at his slumped head and non responsive body.

That's all I get?

My entire being literally shattered into a million shards thinking that my husband had died right there in front of me as I watched. That I'd never see his eyes open again. That I'd never hear him snore.

The air was gone from the car. This couldn't be….I don't think I told him I loved him today. Or yesterday? Did I? I yelled at him about something. The girls!? Oh no, the girls. He's so young--- their father. They won't have one. Oh Lord help me!

A nanosecond later I was shaken out of my fog by the screams of my sister telling me to FIND THE EMERGENCY BREAK as our car recovered from the initial impact of hitting the vehicle in front of us, only to begin rolling backwards into the car behind us.



I looked over at him desperately as I fumbled in slow motion to push the car into some sort of gear-- something that never happened. My hands just couldn't find the right movement--- couldn't find the button to engage the gears-- my mind wouldn't work. In this wave of thick fog I kept looking at him slumped over--- the world was slow and I was swimming through molasses.



That's all I get?



I screamed his name another time and hit his chest as my sister nearly climbed into the front seat to gain control of the car.



He came to.

He came back.



Disoriented to our screaming-- he put his foot on the brake.

The car stopped and we were able to put it into park.





I thought he was gone forever.



Don't wait any more. Don't hold back the hug because he loaded the dishwasher wrong. Don't be mad at your son because his choices are off the beaten path. Don't neglect to tell your children that they are special and that THEY MAKE YOU HAPPY because you had to call them to the dinner table 6x. Don't wait to tell your friends that they are the best thing since sliced bread because they already know that, right? Don't wait to bring coffee to the dude on the street that carries the guitar every. single. week. Don't be afraid to love with all you have.



Don't wait to say -- That's all I get?



Life is fleeting and the cliche that "it could all be gone in the next second" is truth in whole.



Make every single second count to the best of your ability.

HOLIDAY HAPPINESS IN 140 – CHARACTERS THAT IS! WED DEC 14, 2011 9PM EST

For Immediate Release:

HOLIDAY HAPPINESS IN 140 – CHARACTERS THAT IS!
A Community Twitter Party with Zappos.com and Special Guest, Jessica Claus!

December 1, 2011. Water Mill, New York: On Wednesday, December 14, 2011 from 9:00-10:00 pm (EST), Tweeple are invited to join the Macaroni Kid family along with Zappos.com (www.zappos.com) and Special Guest, Jessica Claus, publisher of Macaroni Kid’s North Pole edition (www.northpole.macaronikid.com) for Holiday Happiness in 140 -- characters that is.
hashtag #mackidtips.

"We are so excited to have Jessica back with us again this year, publishing all the local news for the North Pole,” says Joyce Shulman, Macaroni Kid's Chief Macaroni Mom (@macaronikidHQ). “And to learn that she had to turn to our go-to, Zappos, for a little holiday help, well, it just means she’s human too. Sort of,” she adds.

Jessica opens up about her secret shoe obsession and shares her own love of Twitter: “ever since Blitzen introduced me to Tweeting, I’ve been all over the Twittersphere! LOVE the instant connection, since cell phone service in the North Pole is so touch-and-go, I totally rely on the internet. I’m not alone; Kris just read in the North Pole Daily that 71% of all U.S. adults shop online!” (http://www.infifthgear.com/2010/quick-online-shopping-statistics/)

See you Tweeple on the 14th! The more the merrier, as Kris and I always say! Did I mention I’m bringing a surprise guest?” – Jessica M. Claus, North Pole Publisher Mom

The party will be sponsored by Zappos.com and will feature plenty of Zappos loot to give away.

This will be Macaroni Kid’s 21st monthly Twitter Party.

The party will be hosted by Macaroni Kid Publisher Mom and blogger extraordinaire, Debby Perry, who is better known by her Twitter handle SupahMommy (@SupahMommy).

Participants are encouraged to RSVP to be eligible for a special RSVP-only prize below by simply inputting their twitter ID!

* * *
About Macaroni Kid, LLC: Through an ever-growing network of Publisher Moms, Macaroni Kid delivers weekly e- newsletters and creates websites that provide all of the skinny on events and activities for kids and their families in communities across the country. Additional information about Macaroni Kid, LLC can be obtained by calling 631.726.1412 or emailing joyce@macaronikid.com

About Zappos.com: Established in 1999, Zappos.com, operated by Zappos Development, has quickly become the leading destination in online apparel and footwear sales by striving to provide shoppers with the best possible service and selection. The Zappos Family generates gross merchandise sales exceeding $1 billion annually. Zappos.com currently showcases millions of products from over 1000 clothing and shoe brands. Zappos.com, Inc. was recognized in 2009, 2010 and 2011 by FORTUNE MAGAZINE as one of the "100 BEST COMPANIES TO WORK FOR". Zappos.com is also proud to be rated ELITE by STELLAService and was named a J.D. Power 2011 Customer Service Champion, one of only 40 companies so named in the U.S. More information about the customer service philosophy, unique culture, and job openings can be found at http://about.zappos.com. More information about Zappos Insights, and its business membership program can be found at http://www.zapposinsights.com.

Love Hard.

His shoe swung around the side and I could see just how little it truly was.  A dark leather dress shoe--- probably bought at Sears or JcPenneys.  The size of my hand.  Tiny….yet having to plod through, step by step, this  big huge world of emotion.  No 5 year old should have to do this.


  A shoe that should have been a Transformers sneaker cacked with mud and muck from whatever it is that little boys do.  Instead, his little foot was dressed up to say goodbye to his mommy.  

The fuzz of Jaden's little head, would peek out occasionally from beneath the broad shoulder of his father.   I could see the back of his head briefly.  Fuzzy from his treatments, even almost 2 years past now.   He's grown so tall, no longer the baby face we all prayed for for such a long time.  Like a little bird.  He on one side, Joey on the other.   Joe, Julie's husand in the middle. wingedly protecting his little boys ---sitting in the front pew so naked to the world.  So vulnerable up there.  So vulnerable.

 The emotion going on behind them from the hundreds of people there to mourn-- a seeming wave threatening to wash over all of them.   He is a rock, I thought.   While the waves part around him.

  Joey's head would lean on his father's shoulder and his tiny little arm, clothed in a suit jacket, would reach around to pat his father's back.  It was gut wrenching.  A mighty grasp for such a little arm.

Joe never let them go.  He stroked their heads and gave them kisses as only Julie might have been able to when she were alive and healthy.  It was incredible how he filled that pew with warmth.    It was solace in a time of deep sadness.  That he will be what they need.


He swept Jaden up with one arm and held Joey's hand with the other as they followed the procession at the end of the service.  The strength and fortitude of this man--- who has lost so much was a gut wrenching kick to all of us--- who think we have so many problems.

My love to this man -- who will do great things for these boys.  I do not know you Joe as I did your sweet wife…  -- but Julie knew you  and she left the boys in your amazing hands.



Life is fleeting.
Love hard.

Mady came up and saw the picture while I was posting this.
"Julie" I told her.

Jewwwwyeee-- she said.

Mommy's friend I said.
Mommeee- fwend?  She questioned.

Yep.  Mommy's friend.


You will be missed in this world Julie Andrulonis Duttine!  You will be missed.

Rest In Peace Julie Duttine

Rest in Peace Julie Andrulonis Duttine.

Revelation 21:4-8

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" 

Be free Jules.  Be Free.  

xo