This past Pre Black Friday I himmed and hawwed. Pished and poshed and then promptly decided at 8PM NOT Black Friday Night-- ( THURSDAY ) to join the hysteria. I was never one to rally far from peer pressure. This is how it all went down AND how I went down with it. Money and all.
SERIOUSLY--- THURS. DAY.
8PM My sister gave me the frantic "text."
"I'm in Walmart. There are 35 people in line already for Kinect system!!! Do you want me to get in line for the 10 PM release of 200 of them at $200 plus a $50 gift card."
"Isn't Santa supposed to bring that?" * giggle not so funny to her*
"Just kidding Jenny, In line ALREADY???? Wait, it's Thursday!?? " My heart starts beating.
"I KNOW" yells her in all caps.
"Sure get in line!" says I! What a great sis!
"Well are you coming to sit with me?" says she.
* TEXT Crickets*
Son of a gun.
So I nabbed on my best fitting yoga pants hoping they might give me an advantage over the crowds? I had no idea what to expect. The closest I've gotten to this "tradition" is watching the Target lady's funny commercials about Black Friday and cackling.
Cackling takes some effort but it may not have been enough to prep my body for the madness.
So I did some pre-sale stretches found my mom tennis shoes and slapped on some extra deodorant.
I also brewed myself some yummay coffee!
Left the house with my wallet, no purse,my cell phone and no coffee.
This is how I prepare-- to go into --- what became THE MOST STRESSFUL EVENT OF MY LIFE.
I rolled up to Walmart @ 8:30 PM in my Hyundai, sans children. Only to FLIP OUT because ...
The ENTIRE parking lot is FULL. This is worse than a 1/2 inch snowstorm.
I'm beginning to have more intense heart palpitations.
I see gates that seem to have been taken from a RODEO.
Text to JENNY* THERE ARE RODEO GATES AND NO PARKING SPOTS!! O. M. G*
I see NOT REALLY SECURITY GUARDS looking not really serious but still-- they're there. This is SERIOUS STUFF PEOPLE!
* GET IN HERE* texts she.
I go through 100 gates as if I'm at KennyWood, winding through following the masses. BACK AND FORTH, AND BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH. I am dizzy. I am at a serious disadvantage already. WHERE IS MY Sea Sickness BAND!??
I have my cell phone in one hand, keys in the other and my wallet pouch. I am so incredibly unprepared it is insane. Not to mention my trusty dusty yoga pants-- have no pockets. HOW EVER WILL I CARRY MY MASS LOADS OF UNNECESSARY AND OVER THE BUDGET IMPULSE PURCHASES???
I am a target. I will be mocked by other more seasoned Black Not Friday shoppers. I FEEL it.
I'll get a cart. That's THE TICKET!
I am back on track. Guffawing at those that secretly mocked me.
I enter the doors. Turn to get a cart.
There are no carts.
The-- end--of--the--world---is--near.
When there are NO CARTS at Walmart. You best turn around right then and there---- and go "bunker" down.
Turns out… the carts.
They are in a special section you have to GO TO to get. It's like Oz.
I feel sorry for that worker who had to MOVE those carts to the creamed corn aisle.
They give me a MAP.
Sections of Walmart have been converted into "product areas."
If you want Barbie Astronaut for $1.50 , she'll be in the waffle section. Start lining up.
WHAT?????
1. I don't read maps. Ask my husband. I am useless. Put me back with the children to fight and scream about who's touching who. THAT, I can do. MAPS I cannot.
SHE'S STARING AT ME !!
2. I have absolutely NO IDEA why I'm here other than Kinect. But everything -- just looks so --- DEAL OF THE DAY. I am distracted. I think I have a black Friday addiction already.
3. I am overwhelmed. I do not function in "overwhelm" mode. I freeze up mouth open. Drool. Eyes wide. With my map in hand. Staring. Someone PAPER CUT ME! Wake me UP! IT'S PRE BLACK FRIDAY and I'm going to leave with ONLY A FLIER!
PEOPLE ARE WOOSHING PAST ME. BUMPING ME, CARTS IN MY KNEES.
TAKING THE MAN DOWN!!
I BOUNCE BACK. IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN.
"DON'T YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR
3 FUNCTIONING WHEEL CART!" I BELLOW!
I text my sister.
"I'm SCURRED."
" WHERE ARE YOU??" texts she.
More people are pouring in. They begin GRABBING ITEMS from the SARAN WRAPPED COCOONS OF TOYS THAT ARE NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL 10 PM!!
It's only 8:45 PM. It's NOT 10 O'CLOCK PEOPLE.
Is this STEALING?
Is this STEALING?
DO I REPORT THEM?
AND TO WHOM?
THE NOT SECURITY GUARD IN THE COFFEE AISLE?
He looks ever so helpful picking his nose.
He looks ever so helpful picking his nose.
More people begin BUSTING OPEN the Saran Wrap.
OM word.
I am NOT a rule breaker!
I am having stress.
Where ARE my ANXIETY PILLS!?
"WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUU!??" TEXTS JENNY AGAIN.
"I'm not sure. I think in Barbie Land or maybe the tire area. I don't know. PEOPLE ARE STEALING FROM THE COCOONS JENNY! I need a paper bag to breathe. I think I'm just going to sit down. WHERE ARE YOU????????? I CAN'T FIND YOU ANYWHERE ( I never even looked)"
" I'm in the salad dressing aisle sitting on my purse next to Hidden Valley Ranch! There's a man next to me with all the sales ads, a go go gadget robotic arm and a bar-co lounger!"
"JENNY THEY'RE TAKING STUFF!! OMG. I THINK this qualifies as LOOTING!" scream texts me.
"SO TAKE SOME TOO! THEN GET OVER TO ELECTRONICS AND SEE IF THE XBOX GAMES ARE ON SALE" SCREAM TEXTS HER.
I nearly faint. I start delving into Cocoons, weeping. I am breaking the law I'm quite sure. I'm peer pressuring with the masses. Next up is the penitentiary and a chick names Big Bertha. I grab a scooter, a power wheels. I start to feel powerful. I grab a vtech laptop-- because it's 10 DOLLARS. For no other reason. I am LIFTING and heaving items into my cart! I BARREL through the crowds.
WATCH OUT PEOPLE--GET OUTTA MY WAY! XBOX HERE I COME! I break up a fight in the XBOX aisle. I knock over an old lady getting eggs. MOVE IT SISTAH!
My sister texts "I GOT THE KINECT!! MEET ME UP FRONT AT THE REGISTERS!" We rendezvous HUGGING, EMBRACING AND CRYING at number 146 register THAT'S not REALLY OPEN.
. OH I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!! Jenny is hugging the Kinect like "the crying game." She looks at my basket, wide eyed.
"I was pressured!" Says I. " Get me help. An intervention. I'll comply."
Moral of the story is. If you're gonna run with the big dogs-- you best have a researched plan of attack, a fully charged cell phone, a backpack with dried fruit and liquids , reinforcements to divide and conquer, body armor and a killer go get 'em attitude.
We went to see Breaking Dawn as our reward at 10:45 at night. Seeing the movie was much more fun which leads me to "soap box" --- family time is what you make of it. But for me, I'd rather hang with my sis eating some popcorn rather than prepping myself for the "bighouse."
Happy Holidays Everyone!
