That's All I Get?

His head slumped after a coughing fit… cough.. cough... cough ….wheeze… wheeeeeeezzzzzze and he was gone. His foot hit the pedal and we accelerated at full speed into the car in front of us. It was as if we were underwater and trudging through vats of sand. Everything was so slow. Every movement magnified. The polar opposite of what was really happening. Time began to turtle… though in "real time" we were moving through seconds of our lives with the speed of a bullet.

As we careened forward and I saw what was about to happen, I thought not about the impact into the rear end of the vehicle in front of us, not about my own life at risk, not about my sister sitting in the back seat--but instead…I thought to myself as I stared at his slumped head and non responsive body.

That's all I get?

My entire being literally shattered into a million shards thinking that my husband had died right there in front of me as I watched. That I'd never see his eyes open again. That I'd never hear him snore.

The air was gone from the car. This couldn't be….I don't think I told him I loved him today. Or yesterday? Did I? I yelled at him about something. The girls!? Oh no, the girls. He's so young--- their father. They won't have one. Oh Lord help me!

A nanosecond later I was shaken out of my fog by the screams of my sister telling me to FIND THE EMERGENCY BREAK as our car recovered from the initial impact of hitting the vehicle in front of us, only to begin rolling backwards into the car behind us.



I looked over at him desperately as I fumbled in slow motion to push the car into some sort of gear-- something that never happened. My hands just couldn't find the right movement--- couldn't find the button to engage the gears-- my mind wouldn't work. In this wave of thick fog I kept looking at him slumped over--- the world was slow and I was swimming through molasses.



That's all I get?



I screamed his name another time and hit his chest as my sister nearly climbed into the front seat to gain control of the car.



He came to.

He came back.



Disoriented to our screaming-- he put his foot on the brake.

The car stopped and we were able to put it into park.





I thought he was gone forever.



Don't wait any more. Don't hold back the hug because he loaded the dishwasher wrong. Don't be mad at your son because his choices are off the beaten path. Don't neglect to tell your children that they are special and that THEY MAKE YOU HAPPY because you had to call them to the dinner table 6x. Don't wait to tell your friends that they are the best thing since sliced bread because they already know that, right? Don't wait to bring coffee to the dude on the street that carries the guitar every. single. week. Don't be afraid to love with all you have.



Don't wait to say -- That's all I get?



Life is fleeting and the cliche that "it could all be gone in the next second" is truth in whole.



Make every single second count to the best of your ability.