Personal Flotation Devices: A Must Have This Season

My D.B.D does anything for me.  Seriously.  I'm such an evil witch sometime that it surprises me when he happily goes to the store for the 5th time that week after I text him a grocery list.


No , it is NOT possible to know what I'll need for Tuesday's dinner.   Planning is for the sickos.  The weak minded.

So when I ask him to pick up tampons and pads--- he's all good with it.  Doesn't bat an eye.  I don't get that part either though cuz the dude gets heart palpitations just thinking about trying to use an expired coupon.  He doesn't like doing things that make him "have diarrhea tummy."



He gets the goods.
But he's a smart one I tell ya.
He's a THINKER.


He MUCKS it all up.  To hell and back.
So he doesn't ever get trusted again with such an important task.  AGAIN.
EVER.


This PARTICULAR TIME.  DBD won the war.

This time DBD made it VERY clear-- who was the boss.

And it wasn't Tony Macelli.


He brought me home a package of pads that was the size of a hay bail.  
I coulda set pumpkins on it casually for a FALL FOLIAGE LOOK. 

That was my first indication that he was revolting.

My second indication.

The FARKING pads were BIGGER THAN MY FEET,
WAIT.. 
TWO OF MY FEET 
 when expanded to their full capacity.

IT WAS LIKE UNROLLING INSULATION.

I
shit
you
not.

I EVIDENCE THE SHIZNIT out of stuff w my IPHONE.
Don't TRY to mug me.  I will take pictures and BUST you later. I'M THAT GOOD.  * lie-- I'm terribly obvious*

Ready for this?



Get ready.


I'm serious.

TA Da!




 My own personal flotation devices. 
POOL PARTY ANYONE?  


I'LL BRING  the RAFTS! 


I flew this past weekend to Florida and when the stewardess said 


" in the unlikely event that this tin can turns into a ball of firey flames and turns into a cruise-- your seat cushion will become a flotation device"


I SAID..






 I'm good maa'm.  Then turned around and gave a little friendly-- I got more people.  Just give a hoodle when we're goin DOWN and I'll toss one.


There is rustling noise when I walk.
It is not the fall leaves. 






NEEDLESS TO SAY--- he is off of PERSONAL PAD PURCHASING DETAIL.


Fucker. 




DONT' EVEN ASK-- If I asked him for tampons.