P. U.

Lord have mercy I ate something the other day that crawled inside my body, hibernated and festered into toxic radioactive gas.

 It was so very bad-- men in suits showed up.  Like when they discover E.T and the movie gets all freaking creepy.


Anyways-- my ass and it's issues.

I seem to have repeat Ecoli issues huh?  But this time--- I didnt' poop myself stoopid.  I just burnt all of my  ( limited and quite normal amount of  ) ass hairs each time I farted.


I'm sorry.  It's not often I speak about this.  But there's a funny part-- hold the line please!

I have deduced  on my Clue Master Detective Form -- that I carry around with me:

That it was

the red bliss potato salad
from the man with no sanitary gloves
in Walmart  




When will I EVER LEARN????    * dramatic hands to sky!*
SERIOUSLY.  WHY DO I GO BACK?
AND BACK.
AND BACK.
AND BACK.
AND BACK.


I am ready to file for a PROTECTION FROM ABUSE ORDER.


 So anyways.
I accosted much of my household with inadvertant toxic ass dust--- but the funniest part of this all.

I put my littlest to bed. She's 2.  A fairly new 2.
And devil child.

She VERY rarely lets someone else put her to bed and by " put her to bed" I mean----

require that I lay with her
in this certain area of the bed
until she is dead asleep

It's torturous. Anyone who KNOWS me, knows I cannot sit still for a moment.  I get heart palpitations thinking of all the stuff I could be doing rather than being held hostage by a terroristic two year old who tells me WHERE TO LAY, HOW TO LAY, and WHEN TO MOVE.

And I oblige.  

So she was ALMOST falling asleep.  So she was quite angelic.  In between sleep and consciousness.
Well my ass dust began to rumble and I couldn't help it.


So I burnt up my ass and let one loose.
In the pitch dark.

I could see the flourescent green as it floated up to our noses.

I think it was "nerve gas!'

So I am DYING trying not to laugh and wake her ALMOST NEAR SLUMBER -- but my laugh is not the concern.  This smell is the type of odor that COMPLETELY RIPS YOU FROM SLEEP TO YELL AT YOUR HUSBAND SMELL.

and I catch a glance of her face as I'm peering in the dark.
I think.. NO WAY.

I get a little closer-- to confirm what I see.



And yes.  There she is.  the little terrorist.
Having fashioned her own " gas mask!"


She was HOLDING HER NOSE. 

INSTINCTIVE SURVIVAL MODE IN HALF SLEEP.