When I was younger I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a BETTER mom than my own mom. Because I felt like my mom had wronged my entire life and that if I could, I would , be better than her in every capacity of mommyhood.
How old was I?
I was age….
age "didn't have kids."
I wanted to be the best thing since sliced bread in the mom world. It was my goal. My "eat my DUST" mentality.
( when was bread not sliced? Sliced bread must be pretty freaking awesome to those over the age of what? 60 or so? So much so that they still say it? )
How shitty that must have felt for my mom. My single mom, trying to make it all work because my father-- freaking sucked and still does.
Chapter 18 == yet unwritten you lucky dogs you.
But--- to know your daughter hates you.
To come across an end table that your daughter, carved I HATE MOM in.
Because that daughter was so emotionally tormented.
But to not have the skills to help her.
To know you have flaws. That YOU can't even fix, because they are so ingrained in you ---- that those flaws are your life breath.
When all your daughter wants is your love.
I know, because I am now in her shoes. 35 years later. A cruel reversal of fortunes.
Older, with some more perspective on life and certainly still in awe of the awesome sliced bread.
Realizing now , that my mom was wonderful.
That she did the best she could with limited time, money, skills and parental wisdom.
Everything I thought I'd be as a mom.
I am not.
Everything I didnt' WANT to be as a mom.
I am.
The more children I had… the worse I became.
This shit is not easy.
Overwhelmed, underappreciated, alone and a little lost in my own demons… I am drowning ---- in a sea of 3 children with constant needs and their own emotional issues that I just can't find within me to embrace, comfort and wrap my arms around so as to block them from it.
Everyday I feel crappier and crappier in my Job Title.
Just waiting for the big Trump to point his finger at me and say
YOU'RE FIRED.
Because I am not sliced bread and never will be.
14 comments:
I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the best. I will never be the best mom, the best wife, the best lunchlady...you name it. I am not going to be the best. I yell a lot. Sometimes I don't like my kids. Sometimes they get in my nerves like no ones business. But in the end what matters is that we are doing our best. It isnt THE best, but it is our best.
My kids point out all of the ways I fall short, daily. It's a fantastic felling to be told every. single. day. how much you suck at the one job that means the most. I'm in your corner, sistah!
i think we all have these thoughts of what we will be and what we wont be but until you are slap dab in the middle of motherhood you learn that you just wing it the best way you can lol!
The way I look at it, each generation (for the most part) does better than the one before. I'm a better Mom than mine was, and she was better than hers. I'll never be perfect - I yell, I spank, I dislike my kids at times (ok, a lot of the time)...and I feel guilty every day. But I can't beat myself up about it - and neither should you. We do the best we can every day with what we've got.
EVERY Mom feels this way. I'm still in awe of who was the moron who let me raise kids.
Every. Single. Day. I wonder how my mom did it with four kids. Without losing her patience every second of the day. I only have two, and I feel like I fail miserably compared to her.
I am definitely not the best thing since sliced bread mom I thought I would be. I think all we can do is be the best we can, but sometimes I wish I knew how to do it better.
This was inspiring and beautifully written. What a fantastic way of putting things. I think we all think we will be ever so greater than our parents.
I totally agree. I deal with the same thoughts every day, always wanting to do better by my kids but constantly having regrets it seems. I hope tomorrow is better.
Oh I am so sorry you are going through this but it will get better and then worse again! Just be the very best you can be for your kids! The fact that you have even written this tells me you must be a very good mom!
been thinking about you! also? not gonna lie, i feel like i fail my children daily. Daily. in the end, they're fed and clothed. everything else, they can deal with in therapy when they're 18.
I think we all feel this way as some point. Just remember it's OK to ask for help when you need it. It's also OK to teach our kids that we are not perfect, that we all make mistakes. I hope you are ok...
That was pretty powerful.
Really powerful post for me, as I've been feeling the same way these last few months. I feel like a failure as a mom lately. It was not that way with just one baby, or even two...but three. Holy crap. I've lost all control and some days just hope to still have 3 kiddos at bedtime. It's bananas. Thanks for letting me know i'm not alone.
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