Purposeful

Along with the vicious emotion that set in when I learned of Krista's plight---- I also somehow garnished this new ability to  not be able to shut my mind off.

Purposeful. 

This is a word used over and over in terms of her case. 

She is in a coma. 

She is unconscious.

She has movement and the ability to control her bodies functions for the most part. 

But nothing purposeful. 

Purposeful. 

Purposeful. 

Purpose is a result, end, mean, aim, or goal of an action intentionally undertaken^[1], 

Nothing that shows us that Krista willingly ---- and specifically ---- makes something happen on her own. 

Purposeful.

I pray for it daily. 

I say it over and over in my head. 

I stare at my profile picture on facebook---- into her eyes.  

 I just stare.   In the quiet.  

 Sometimes I stop typing and look up--- and she's there looking at me. 

My throat closes.  I hold my breath. 

And I  hear the words in my head...

Purposeful. 

Depsite my best efforts--- tears stream. 

I visit her when I can.  I remain a cheerleader. 

I stare at her in the quiet.  While I play Harry Connick for her. 

I stare.  Every bit of her.  I just stare and take in.  Watching her " dance" the whole while.  

She use to dance to Shoop. 

Now she dances this odd " reaching " routine with her right leg and arms. 

She almost knees me in the head several times. 

I stare at her face as she turns to the side over and over.  Like clockwork. 

I note 

How her eyelashes aren't very long. 

How she has freckles on her cheeks.

How her teeth are so white. 

I hold her hand.  

Her fingers are clasped around splints… they are not the graceful , long fingers I once knew.   They are beginning to peel and almost feel waxy. 

  My beautiful friend… is in a hospital bed and her skin is beginning to peel from it.  

I growl to her… SAY SOMETHING. 

SAY SOMETHING KRISTA PLEASE.  USE YOUR VOICE.  

YOUR TRACH IS GONE. 

YOU CAN TALK NOW. 

I gasp when she makes a sound.   A muffled … low moan. 

I then whisper.  I know you're there 

I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!!!!!

I learn all of these terms.  Glascow Coma Scale.   Neurological --- rating scales.  Awareness.  

I begin to think of Krista as a number and then want to throw myself into a wall for doing so. 

She is not a number on a scale.  

She is Krista… who is silly and fun and so loving and who listens to freakin SADE and was made fun of it for. 

My friend. 

That I hugged goodbye in April. 

She turned her head around and said " I love you debby " and kissed me on the cheek. 

I endured a dinner at the restaurant we last met up at. 

I went with some friends. 

I had to put my head down at one point… overwhelmed for a brief second. 

Why wasn't I more purposeful as a friend? 

Be purposeful in your life. 

It could be gone in an instant. 

Or worse:  someone you love could be gone with ring of a phone…

and you are left with your thoughts.