Dear Krista

When I first saw you , you were sitting in front of me in the Zurn Lecture Hall at Gannon University.  We were at a freshman orientation meeting and your mass of black hair was swept back with a rolled up red bandana.   I couldn't see your face… only your hair.   Yet I knew you were beautiful.

I now sit by your side , surrounded by machines that monitor your every bodily movement… and I softly stroke that mass of hair.  Pushing it back off of your face.. over and over.  Just feeling it on my fingers.  It is so soft and it has not changed much.  Ang has it brushed back and pulled into a pony tail high up on your head.  There is no red bandana  but the mass of thick waves are still there.  It's piercing black and there's a little bit of grey speckled throughout.  I see it as I push your hair back over and over.  When did your hair begin to grey?   When did we get old enough to have grey hair Krista?  I marvel at it.

 A sign .. that we have grown up.  That years have worked their way in… without us knowing.

Seventeen years…where did it go?

17 years ago you were laughing about something as you sat in front of me…. Your laugh was addictive.   I immediately was drawn to you. I tapped  you on the shoulder in that lecture hall and said,   " Your hair is sooooo pretty."


Now I whisper to you in between blips and beeps of a monitor… sourrounded by tubes and tangled masses of cords that all function for you in some manner.


Don't give up Krista.
Fight .  Fight .
You are not done here.
I know you 're scared but we're all here for you.
And we're not leaving you until you are back with us.
You take your time sweet girl.  You take your time.

And I brush your hair back again.
I touch your skin and watch you breath.  You are so silent.


I'd kill to hear you laugh again.  I'd give up more than you could ever imagine.

We sat on the dock at Presque Isle.


 Forumlating a plan to become roomates that following fall.  To share a dorm room.

 Little did I know we'd end up sharing 17 years of our life.   Milestones… so many.


Roomates, sorority sisters, co workers, weddings,  heartache,  welcoming children, new jobs, divorces, new homes, reunions, moves, deaths of loved ones, family and friends…. … I had no idea that tapping your shoulder would bring me such a full friendship.

  Now I sit by your bed side with my head resting on your bed rail.  Watching you breath … in and out .. .in and out…. in and out.    Wishing I had spent it more wisely.  Your eyes are closed and I study your face while you sleep.  You look so  young… so innocent .. so peaceful.   I wonder what you're thinking while you are so quiet.


I tell you about the lady that ran the gift shop… who had a few screws loose.
I laugh and imagine what you'd have said to her …

I read you the cards people sent… and I secretly cry while I do so.
You have touched so many people in this life.


Can you hear me?
Do you feel me when I stroke your hand.. and offer my own to squeeze when you begin to tremor?  Do you know that I grip your hand?


I pray for you to squeeze.  Anything…. anything Krista.


You used to hug me… you were so easy to love Krista.  So easy to surround and hug.   So easy to open up to.    You said that I gave the best hugs.  You said it for years.  If you could wake up now… I'd never let you go.

I never ever thought that the first time I ever fell to my knees and screamed to God… for help.  That it would be for you.  My sweet friend.   That utter devestation…. would finally knock me over… and it would be about you.

I talk to God all the time now.  I bow my head and I give all that I have and feel--- to him.  I pray that he takes you and comforts you until you find your way back to us.   Because I know nothing else to do.  I have nothing in my control.


I go to sleep thinking of you in that hospital bed.  I wake up wondering if today will be the day you come back to us.  If your smile will light up a room again… if your brown eyes narrow with a sarcastic comment.  If you'll bust out in a dance move or tell me about your bike that you just got.  Or just wake up to HUG ME again… to tell me that you love me as we did when we said goodbye last spring when we met up.

The single most comforting thing is that you told a friend a few weeks ago… that you loved me.  That you always knew where I was.
I'm right here Krista and I'm not leaving until you wake up so that I can tell you how much I adore you.



You take all the time you need friend.  Until then… I'll sit on the dock and wait for you and when you come back.

I'm goinna kick your ever loving ass.


xoxoxo
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