All About MEme Monday : GOODY GOODY GAS CAN

 

with MommyBrain and SupahMommy

Oh, the dreaded flashing lights in your rearview mirror!

First, you convince yourself it's not you,

Glance at the speedometer, and

Make your way to the shoulder.

Then you start planning your elaborate excuse ... 

Late for MEme Monday? Jamming to KISS?

Go with the lash batting and cleavage showing ...

or turn on the water works?

There's that awful tap on the glass and lowering of the window.

"License and registration, please ma'am."

Ooooooooh! You're so...

----------------------I THINK MB MADE ME PONCHERELLI?------------------------------------

Tell us about a time you got pulled over.

If there are too many times to chose just one,

slow the f down give us a list of your top 5.

If you've never been pulled over (seriously?!),

tell us what you've done in your car that could get you pulled over!

(didn't mean that to sound so racy!)

If you're a goody two-shoes to the nth degree,

tell us a funny story involving a car!

----------------------------------------------------------------

I don't really have a Reno 911 Cop Story to tell you all. I'm not Goody Goody Chippy SHoes either..  I've been pulled over for speeding MANY a time more than my mother will EVER KNOW.

* it was my Toyota gas pedal
* the wind pushed me
* YOUR radar gun is wrong.. it can give you cancer too..  you DO know this right officer?


But none of that shit was even remotley funny.  That's what the cop said to me too.

  I do have a funny story to tell though involving my car?


* offers it to the readers whincing....*



It was four score and 12 years ago.  It was my first year teaching and despite numerous Weather Station  HUGE BLIZZARD slash WINTER STORM Warnings our school was in session only to have an EARLY DISMISSAL during the arrival of the snow.   It was insane.  By the time I got out of school all weather hell had broken lose.

It's D.C. people.  Traffic on a normal day is like a shitter in an old house.  Constantly clogged.  Imagine.. adding to it.. a BLIZZARD.

I had 1/4 tank of gas.  Plenty to get me home  to Bethesda.  Roughly 45 min away or so.

Wrong.

Traffic was fucking STOPPED.  GRIDLOCK.  Snow everywhere. People freaking the hell out.  I sat for an hour on the toll road... and watched my gas tank begin to dwindle.
 I was SOO AFRAID I was going to RUN out of GAs...

* whispers  so her mother doesn't hear. .. I didnt' even have a BLANKET in my car like my MOTHER  has TOLD ME TO FOR THE LAST 25 years of my life.  
   


I am going to freeze like a wooly mammoth.  They will unearth my rotten body 23 million years from now.. encased in a Plymouth Neon. 

I decided to  attempt to GET OFF and get gas.

Nice try .  I didnt' wear my go go gadget wheels that day.. so I fucking sat... and sat and sat..


I FINALLY  gOt off at the next exit. Tysons corner mall.

Double clogged shitter.  CARS ARE STRANDED EVERYWHERE.  TRaffic is NOT moving.

I continue to sit.
I continue to watch my gas tank creep towards E.

I pull over finally into some apartment complex parking lot that I spy to my left.  It is my only option.

 It says NO PARKING.

There is no where else to go.

I leave my car.  I get my wallet .

I say a little prayer for Neon.
GodSpeed Neon.  Godspeed.


I put on my tennis racket snow shoes and Mt. Everest Hiking back pack.

I get out and begin trudging through FEET OF SNOW... dodging sliding cars.
I walk a mile to the gas station that IS RIGHT THERE.. but  that cannot get my car to.  My plan is to buy a gas can and walk back to fill it up.   I am literally soaked.


I am re living all those .. " I walked a mile in the snow.. grampa stories."

The gas station man looks at me like I'm nuts when I get in and ask for a gas can.
There's only one left he tell sme.

 I want to hurt him with a Baby Ruth.

I buy it with my credit card.  I was young and po as shit.


I decide that I'm not going anywhere.  Traffic has NOT moved since my snow exodus began.  It is  A NIGHTMARE.



I decide I'll pass my time at the mall .  But I can't fill the can up yet.
Now I must carry it.

I walk through drifts of snow.. battling the wind.   Carrying   A RED GAS CAN.

  I'm soaked.  I walk about another mile to the uppity mall.  Because it's closer.

I finally get there.  Relief is within my grasp.  Warmth!

I pull at the Macy's door.

CLANK.

It is locked.


They have closed the FUCKING MALL.   CLOSED THE GALLERIA BETsY JOHNSON HOSTING, STEVE MADDEN SHOE STORE showing... mall.   cl. os. ed.

I am traipsing around Vienna Virginia.. like some Yetti.   With a RED GAs Can.

I turn around.  I begin to cry.  It's getting dark.  It is STILL Blizzarding.

I have no choice but to continue to walk.

Traffic has nOT MOVED.
I walk back the mile through the drifts.  I begin to hallucinate about candycanes and lollipops.   This is snow hell.  I am at the North POle.  I walk through the gas station, the dude side eyes me... and I growl a YETTI  baby ruth threatening growl.

 I  continue further seeing a MOVIE THEATRE.  It is a BEACON OF HOPE .  It shines brightly.

It is OPEN.

GOOD GOD THANK YOU .
I go in , purchase a ticket.   Sit my  Red GAs Can next to me on a seat.  I am the only one in the theatre.

I  watch some movie for several warm hours.  They cannot kick me out.  I've paid.  And I have a gas can.

And I will burn thiS MOTHER DOWN ( with my nonexistent gasoline)  if anyone even THINKS about asking me to leave. .  I have no idea what movie I saw.  I think I wept and slept simultaneously.

I came out and it was dark.  I trudged through THE EVEN MORE INSANE AMOUNTS OF SNOW back to the gas station.  Traffic is now moving.   I fill it up.   I trudge back a mile through the snow carring the Red Gas Can.   In the dark.  It is just the worse day ever. I am praying that my car is still there.

It is.  But it is literally covered in a foot of snow.
I gas it up.  I spill it on me.  I cry.
I clear off my car.  I don't know that I can get out of the SNOW it's stuck in.

I dig it out as best I can  with my mitten clad hands and finally begin the treck out.

* my mom always said to carry a shovel and a blanket  *  do not tell her I had neither in the ONE instance that I needed them.

It was the most ridiculous story.. I've ever been a character in.

The end.

xoxox©
supah


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