What I did on my summah vacation. By Supahmommy.

What I did on my summah vacation.

By Supahmommy.

My day at the beach.

Wake up. Too early. Review in head: terribly LONG night of restless children yelling at each other about their dinosaurs ; in their sleep (2 eldest) and crying out for food ( littlest) .

Feed children first round of food.

Fall back asleep on couch until I can no longer handle the whines of my children for ADDITIONAL food.



NOTE TO CHILDREN:

This is NOT an all you can eat buffet and my name is not

“HiI’mWandaandI’llbetakingcareofyoutonight:feel freetodiscusswhetherornotyoushouldtipabuffetwaitresswhenIturnmyback.”

Begin the beach dressing ritual.
Choose suits. Slather the little piggies with sunscreen, minus the one child who has a UVSkinz. Curse self over and over… (Stupid, stupid, stupid ) for not buying 2 additional shirts. Chase them if need be. Tackle them if need be. Beat them into submission with threats of 3rd degree sunnyburns.


Load up newly bought 60 dollar price gouged beach cart with a myriad of items we will drag with us: but never use.

Be certain that our newly bought 60 dollar price gouged beach cart is FULLY stocked to capacity so that we continually and recklessly risk its demise daily.

What's in the cart you ask? ( what's in the box blair?.. anyone remember that from Facts of Life?)

Total and complete beach essentials.

5 large beach towels: only used to occasionally wipe sandy snot from my children’s noses. No one swims.

1 large white Laura Ashley sheet that was a wedding gift and has since seen better days
Said sheet is used to claim 1/ 2 of all available public beach space on 120th street.

1 large quilted beach blanket: king size: used to claim other 1/ 2 of all available public beach space on 120th street.

5 BEACH chairs. Two of which the youngest are too young to understand how to use properly: ( for reading books and sunning selves with cold drink at side) but old enough to whine incessantly if they don’t get one. OR WORSE; try to commandeer ours with violent threats of SAND INFESTATION. .

1 million sand toys, shovels, buckets etcetera: of which we lose AT LEAST one per day

1 cooler stocked with food and drinks that my children will continually ‘need something from.’ BUT ONLY if I have sat down, gotten comfy , opened my book, re-located my page and begun to relax.

2 boogie boards: that no one really truly uses cause we do not like sand in our suits or anywhere near our bodies.

2 pairs of sand shoes tucked deep into the 2 front pockets so as to utilize all beach cart space. 2 sand shoes that we have since forgotten are tucked deep into the 2 front pockets so as utilize al beach cart spacage.

2 beach umbrellas; king size. That only little tiny baby will pretend to possibly sleep under.

7. Load up white trash stroller in addition to newly bought 60 dollar price gouged beach cart FULLY stocked to capacity

What's in the stroller you ask?
TOtally essential OTHER items that didn't fit on ; newly bought 60 dollar price gouged beach cart FULLY stocked to capacity.


Stoller items
One little tiny baby who cannot figure out why we want her to SLEEP at the beach when instead she can whine and cry and demand attention in A. C. Artificial climate.


1 bouncy chair: teetering on top of white trash stroller.

1 Coleman thermos, filled with boiling water , for bottles, for one little tiny baby who cannot figure out why we want her to SLEEP at the beach when instead she can whine and cry and demand attention in A.C. Artificial Climate.

Big gay pink flowered beach bag stocked full of diapers, additional slick piggy spray, sunhats we never put on, pull-ups for PEE BREAKS, Ipod speakers that never once have seen the beach YET. .

( A big pink gay flowered bag that I enjoy making DBD carry )

· A blow up baby pool.
Yes I did.
Yes I have done.
For the last 5 years.
I bring a pool to the beach.
SHUT. UP.



Begin the trek 2 blocks to the beach.
Locate beach front property. Not too near to the waves so as to experience rogue waves.. but not so far that we must move our bodies to see if our children are in danger of all kinds of dangerous things. And near to as many children as we can find.


Inevitably park our 'little city' next to some smoky mcsmokerson who will piss us off when she lights up and kills us all a little with her second hand gift of smoke. Some Smoky McSmokerson Who I worry my sister will start a confrontation with resulting in a throw down: West Side Story style. But on the beach. And with us vs. smoky. In swimsuits and wielding sand shovels.


Unload all crap. Amaze onlookers with our set up talents. Check around to be sure that onlookers are noticing us. Pause and make eyecontact in case they want to applaud. We take tips too.

Settle all children in.

Begin to feed them.

Clean up sandwiches they never ate , abandoned on a chair and lured seagulls too.

Seagulls that will later poop on my sister’s neck.


Engage children in some activity.
Sit down on beach chair.

annnnnnnnddddddddddd.......
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
v Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.
Get back up to do something mommy-ish”
Sit down on beach chair.

Ask the time.

Cry because it’s time to pack up and go home.

Amaze onlookers with our packing up skills.

Walk back 2 blocks to beach house.

Unload newly bought 60 dollar price gouged beach cart and stroller with a myriad of items we dragged with us: but never used.

Vow to never again go on vacation.



And that is what I did on my summah vacation.