watching myself

So the ratings for TLC's runaway show " Jon and Kate plus 8" beat out all other shows on that night. Sadly.. it' s because of their marital woes. The implosion of this family seems to have become more interesting than " a family with sextuplets and twins." I too am guilty. I did wait to see it... and totally thought all the hype TLC gave it when showing us "peeks" ... would be a case of some classic editing. That we really wouldn't learn much more about their skeletons than we already knew.

I was wrong.

I think most people probably watched it : looking at it .. for what it was. Two sad souls.. totally ripped apart by bad decisions. Spewing their laundry for million$.

I didn't.

I saw something different.



I saw myself.
I saw my husband.
I saw my family.

I saw hard times .
I saw hurt.
I saw sadness.

When all the jabber jawing stopped. All the he said she said crap.. typical of the most vulnerable of people going through the worst times.. I saw myself in Kate. Saw my husband in Jon. Saw the sad glances. Saw the hurt masked as anger.. laughter... sarcasm. I saw it. I even felt it I guess. Reminders.

I've been there. Who hasn't? Had to sit in the same room with someone you both want to murder: and at the same time... throw yourself onto... cling on to so tight.. willing them to not hurt you again.. just to love you. I've been there. The same sadness that Jon had looking at his kids.. when she said " Daddy .. I dont' want you to go away anymore."

Heartwrenching.

I saw humans.
Whether or not they chose this. Did the deeds..
They still feel the wrath.

My openness about my own struggles as a mom, as a person as a wife.. has always been for two purposes. A release for myself and a way to connect to others.

To feel that I'm not alone. That my expeiences though.. specific... and not exactly the same as say. .jon and kates or anyone reading this blog.. that my experiences as a mom, person, wife.. touch someone. Let them know that THEY are not alone.

So if you watched Jon and Kate.. like I did. And saw yourself. You're not alone.

It's a hard road to haul for anyone. This marriage stuff.
I see marriages that seem to be incredible. Relationships that just get better.

When I see that.. I feel alone.

It's a struggle. One that I am always committed too.. but that has turned out to have a lot of twists and turns for me. It's been a process for sure. One that I'm not certain will ever be looked at as 'incredible' OR perfect. The 'incredibles' I dub them. People look at my husband and I and probably think: Christ.. they are going to kill each other one day.

We're not incredible... but we love each other. And are honest about the struggle... that life is sometimes. We are always reaching out for help.. for knowledge... for sanity. For reassurance. When in doubt: we find each other. But...


It's hard.

I'm not alone. I know I'm not.

That's why I write this.
There are people out there that struggle daily with their own relationships wondering what step to take next. If it's not this struggle.. it will be another tomorrow.. but luckily..

Hey guess what.. you're not alone.

:)
There are more of us I"m certain .. than the 'incredibles.' More of us who continue to surf this damn wave.. even if it kills us .. dead. :) lol!

Keep fighting the fight.

You too Jon and Kate.

I feel ya.



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