Have you ever felt like simply the worst person evah? Insert gloom.
Like ... you effed up so bad today at your " jobs" ...(the ones' God chose for you to do, trusted that you would do a good job at)....the job you dreamt of all your life.
..that if there were no tomorrow... it would haunt you forever and ever and ever that you fucked up today? DOOM INSERTED.
Do you evah struggle with all that's on your plate? Not quite balancing it all...actually faking the whole balance thing: only to knock some of it off in the whole process of faking it?
Some of the shit that's priceless? Probably irreparable? Little minds... little egos, little self esteems... that just .. just... feel the wrath of a tired mommy. An overworked , underpaid, stretched too thin, most times lost... mommy.
Praying that they have short term memory... but knowing they do not. Watching your child flinch when you raise your voice.. knowing ... you're just too loud...
Fast forward to the future and hey guess what...the child that you struggle with in adolescence.. you molded years ago when you decided to yell at her cause you simply lost it. Lost it under all of the pressure.
Will she loathe me as I loathed my mother as an adolescent? Feel unloved and unwanted... because of my screw ups???
Not be able to talk to me? Am I already creating the pattern that will weave my relationship with her? When the time comes that she needs to make a choice in her life, will she come to me? Or will the thought make her flinch...
The pressure to do ... the most inane and redundant things. Living the "dream."
Let the dogs out, feed the kids, wipe their mouths, change diapers, potty train, wash some of the laundry.. clean up dog shit, let the dogs out, let the dogs in, clean the kitchen, chase the cat that got in, clean up the toys, console the crying toddler, put her down for a nap, do the bills, clean up the toys, clean up the kitchen, wipe up dog pee. Make lunch, clean up lunch, wipe faces, get dressed, referee the fight...clean up the toys, get the dog off the couch, again. Clean up the shoes, unload the laundry, never fold it, empty the trash, clean up the trash the dogs ate...field phone calls about the van you wrecked, ask your child to stop POKING YOU ...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... till you're so far beyond sanity... that when you're daughter continues not to listen... continues to potty talk.. ( because fart sounds are so funny) when your other daughter is taking cues.. and no body is listening.... you lose it.
Do good moms every think this?
I wish I wasn't a mom today.
Only to instantly regret thinking it outloud.. putting it on a blog: maybe God heard.
So instantly regret it that you want to scrub it out with a big black permanent marker... cause the mere thought of it... makes you feel like you should be crucified ... but black marker or not... you still thought it.
Is it enough to go to bed, deflated ... praying that tomorrow is the day that you will get it right? That .. you will be able to go to bed that next night... proud of the job you did. Is it enough.. to just wish that nightly? Does it erase all the flubs? Do good moms.. really wish that?
Having a rough weekend peoples. :)
15 comments:
Are you sure you didn't just blog about my life?? You said it better than I EVER could!! I feel your guilt, your feeling like you'll never get it right. I feel you sista.....
I don't think we will ever stop.
Debby,
Well written. You are not alone. I cried the other day because I "f'ed" up too. Too strong of a tone or yell that caused a very scared looking face looking back at me. Then I read about someone who lost their child or baby and I think, "Oh my God, that could be me." I need to hug tighter, longer, slow down a bit and not let the little things get to me. Even though as mothers, we are all completely overwhelmed with the amount of work we do and redo all day long. Lisha is right, it doesn't ever stop with what we have to do. But, we are all good mothers and are children love us and they wouldn't want another mother ever. So, don't feel too guilty. There is always a new day! Get some rest, hon. It sounds like you are working way to hard on top of being pregnant. You deserve some alone time. Get DBD to take over some evening or morning and take some time for just YOU (even if it is just an hour)! Hang in there.
I "ef" up all the time. Like it's my job. What you wrote is pretty much how I feel every.single.day. And that's how my Mom felt, too. She stayed home with us, and she yelled more than I do. But I honestly don't remember any of it, and I love her more than I ever thought I could.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I do wish I wasn't a Mom some days. I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel that way. But I know I'm a good Mom. Heaven help the person who feels the need to challenge that fact.
"Ef-ing" up is part of life. Your girls know you love them. You know you love them. It might not always feel like it, but you're doing the best you can with what you've got. Take pride in that. You're a great Mom. Your girls will be great Moms, too, because they have you as a role model.
Hang in there. We're all struggling. But we're all here to help. Just reading your blog makes me feel so much more sane. I know I'm not alone in my daily struggle. Know that you aren't either.
Sorry for the rough patch. I think all moms go through that at least a few times a week or so! ;-) It's maddening, but ya gotta just keep on. As Dory says in "Finding Nemo": "keep swimming, keep swimming... " And hang in there! Hope this week is better.
We had this morning, I ended up in tears. Patience is short when the pain is high and well, why can't you just get your shoes on already? Is it his fault I am running late to get him to preschool? Nope, but well, Deb, after all the screaming, crying (mostly by me this morning) and watching him "flinch", he gets in the carseat, looks at me and says "Hey can you turn on Laurie?" like NOTHING evah happened. I decide we should have a talk, calmly about why the last 1//2 hour occcured. What could we do to fix it next time? WHat I could do better, what he could do better and so on. My one year old is laughing at me...she is like a hyena...she laughs when I yell. GRRRRR!
Tucker says all the right things and then says...OK, so can we listen to Laurie now? I contstanly fear he won't like me when he is older...but like my mom told me....they ONLY feel comfort in acting like crazy people with us, because we are their safety! At the end of hte day, who do they need a hug from, a kiss from? Hang in girl...you are pregnant too,that definately added to me not being a good mom complex! Lots of pressure, but they love us just the same!
We all struggle-- most of us every day, and we all fail sometimes too. nothing wrong with that. You're a good mother and a good person. Everyone has bad days and little ones and husbands can easily push you past the limits of sanity. Hang in there. Oh-- and if you didn't see my last comment, I gave you a blog award. Stop by my blog to pick it up!!!
Wow...I thought this was one of the most amazing blog entries I've ever read. I'm in the same boat. I'm speechless, er...type-less!
yes. even perfect mommies f* up sometimes.
it gives you a chance to show your kids that mistakes happen.
now get yourself on a time-out - remember one minute for every year of life ... you need it.
oh the wrath of the mommy guilt. It's the dark side of being a mom. Nope ...your not alone. It's only the hardest job in the freaking world!
Hang in there girl...You will get your head above water just in time for the dog to crap on the floor again. We love ya!
Well said....The story of my life....
Hope your week gets better.
Oh, honey, it's OKAY. You are preggo AND you are a mama. Ditto, ditto, ditto.
We have all been there and if someone says they haven't - they LIE!!!
I just spent the last twenty minutes catching up on you and I just laughed my ass off.
I particularly like the text messages...ROFL!!!
Tomorrow is a new day!
I loved this post... and my comment will be simple...
While you think you "effed" up by yelling, you, actually, let them see that it's okay to be human and express your emotions... emotions that are from a deep desire of wanting them to be good people.
Only the best mothers feel that way and they're the best because they can admit it.
I have nominated you for the HonestScrap Award. You deserve it!!
Deb, I am right now praying that my son does not remember today b/c it has been a rough one - so I totally get where you are coming from with this post. Every night, I pray for patience and forgiveness, patience and forgiveness, and hope that tomorrow will be the day I want it to be, where I keep my "nice voice" in use all day and don't act like my 3-year old! Hope it got better.
Remember that a hug, a kiss and an I Love You makes so many things better. Go do that. Right now. You'll both feel better.
Post a Comment