You ain't no momma-- if the following prayer hasn't been said while you are showering rapidly out of itchy necessity and 3 day growth and your children -- are roaming the house.
Shower Prayer
Hustle clothes off like 15th date ( total lie)
Dear Baby Jesus
* jump in cold arse shower*
OH DEAR BABY JESUS it's COLD
*Turn dial up so high -- skin begins to melt. *
OH DEAR BABY JESUS THAT'S HOT!!!
* jump away from shower -- but really have no where to go*
Skin is melted off--- you might as well continue-- you can probably be a secret agent now-- no finger prints.
* grab conditioner*
DEAR BABY JESUS PLEASE DON'T LET THEM DUMP AN ENTIRE JUMBO BOX OF TRIX ON THE TABLE----------
AGAIN.
and then pretend to be dogs eating it off the floor.
AGAIN.
* realize you just put conditioner in YO GREASY ASS hair*
CRAP!!
DEAR BABY JESUS Please let me choose the right bottle this time.
* grab husbands ball soap*
Dear Baby Jesus Pleeeeeeeeeease dont' let them find scissors and play hair- sa- lawn.
AGAIN.
* shoot.. did I put those scissors up on the top shelf?*
Dear BABY JESUS please move the scissors to the TOP shelf - magically. Miraculously.
* dump bodywash on body*
SON OF A BANANA!!! WHAT IS THIS ???
LOOKING AT IT WITH CONDITIONER IN EYE.
AXXXXE???
AGAIN.
DEAR BABY JESUS please don't let women hit on me now at Walmart.
AGAIN.
* look at razor*
That should be on the top shelf with the scissors.
Lather , rinse , repeat.
Dear Baby Jesus please don't let them use the tiny little school chair as a booster chair to OPEN up the front door and let the dumb dog out--- to roam in the back field endlessly and ignore me when I call her though she's 4 feet away and I can't see her.
AGAIN.
* turn water off -- soap still in hair *
Dear Baby Jesus please let them not have found the glitter.
AGAIN.
OH BABY JESUS...
Please please please.
Please.
* grabbing towel--hustle to dry off. Bring up to face*
EWWWWWWW DEAR LORD THIS IS MY HUSBAND'S STINKY TOWEL
DEAR BABY JESUS-- PLEASE GRANT ME THE SERENITY….
CALLING OUT…. PEYTON! MADY!??? ANSWER ME!!!
DEAR BABY JESUS .. please let them still be here AND not on the front stoop in their bathing suits.
AGAIN.
PEYTON! MADY!! ????
* they appear out of nowhwere!*
SCREAM BLOODY MURDER cuz they SCARED THE BABY JESUS OUT OF YOU!
They begin to cry.
DEAR BABY JESUS. Please make me a good mother. Someday.
Again.
I mean…
Amen.
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OMFBakaaaaaaawwwwww The new W. T. F.
I've invented the next acronym.
The new little black W. T. F.
All day long ( wait .. that's a total lie.)
During the times when I'm not working like a chicken being perpetually plucked--- BAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
stressed beyond belief -- head pounding -- BAKAwwwwwwwwwwNG with each email that opens with some sort of request that I must get er done for....
I emerge from my office to see what my children OR when applicable child ( one) have done to the house.
o .
m
f
BAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
WHEN
DID
MY
2
YEAR
OLD
LEARN
TO
POUR
CEREAL
and seriously IS THAT
O
M
F
BAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAWWWWWWW
DOG FOOD IN ONE!???
Turn to the left.
O
M
F
BAKAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
THAT IS NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT .. OMFBAKAAAAAAWWWWW REPEAT A POTTY!
Turn to the right....
O
M
MF
BAKAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
AND AN EXTRA
BAAAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WHAT IS THAT ON MY CARPET??????????????????
O
M
F
BAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
THAT BETTER BE CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!!!!!
I stand in pure defeat at the mere initial site of the damage.
And then drop to my knees and wail , hands held high - BAKAAAAAAWWWWWWWW BAKAAAAAAWWWWW BAKAWWWWWW ----- which translates to WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Just kidding.
FEEL ME and LOVE ME as I am.. cuz after the
OMFBAKAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWSSSSSS
I just go back into my office and think about how quickly I can probably clean it up before anyone "outsiders" can step foot inside and I also think.... i wonder what dog food tastes like.
O
M
F
BAKAAAAAAAAAWWWW
am I a practically perfect mom.
Just like I always thought I'd be.
.
The new little black W. T. F.
During the times when I'm not working like a chicken being perpetually plucked--- BAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
stressed beyond belief -- head pounding -- BAKAwwwwwwwwwwNG with each email that opens with some sort of request that I must get er done for....
I emerge from my office to see what my children OR when applicable child ( one) have done to the house.
o .
m
f
BAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
WHEN
DID
MY
2
YEAR
OLD
LEARN
TO
POUR
CEREAL
and seriously IS THAT
O
M
F
BAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAWWWWWWW
DOG FOOD IN ONE!???
Turn to the left.
O
M
F
BAKAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
THAT IS NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT .. OMFBAKAAAAAAWWWWW REPEAT A POTTY!
Turn to the right....
O
M
MF
BAKAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
AND AN EXTRA
BAAAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WHAT IS THAT ON MY CARPET??????????????????
O
M
F
BAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
THAT BETTER BE CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!!!!!
I stand in pure defeat at the mere initial site of the damage.
And then drop to my knees and wail , hands held high - BAKAAAAAAWWWWWWWW BAKAAAAAAWWWWW BAKAWWWWWW ----- which translates to WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Just kidding.
FEEL ME and LOVE ME as I am.. cuz after the
OMFBAKAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWSSSSSS
I just go back into my office and think about how quickly I can probably clean it up before anyone "outsiders" can step foot inside and I also think.... i wonder what dog food tastes like.
O
M
F
BAKAAAAAAAAAWWWW
am I a practically perfect mom.
Just like I always thought I'd be.
.
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