Join Me! Macaroni Kid "Holiday Traditions" Twitter Party


DO YOU TWITTER?  JOIN ME! -- (@SupahMommy) DEBBY


Macaroni Kid "Holiday Traditions" Twitter Party
‪#‎MKToyTime‬

On Wednesday, November 13th, 2013 from 9:00-10:00 pm (EST), Tweeple are invited to join the Macaroni Kid family along with a stellar line up of "Macaroni Kid Toy Time" sponsors, for a fantastic community twitter party. Hashtag #MKToyTime.

The party will feature great conversation about holiday traditions, info about hot toys this season, prizes, giveaways and plenty of laughs!

The party will be hosted by Macaroni Kid Publisher Mom and blogger extraordinaire, Debby Perry, who is better known by her Twitter handle SupahMommy (@supahmommy).

RSVP Below
http://mkrsvp.blogspot.com/2013/11/macaroni-kid-toy-time-twitter-party.html

Egglands Best Eggs and Macaroni Kid Host An #ebegg Twitter Party 9PM EST RSVP!

Busy tonight? Join Eggland's Best Eggs , Macaroni Kid National and myself for a twitter party! On Wednesday, October 23rd from 9:00-10:00 pm (EST), Tweeple are invited to join the Macaroni Kid family along with Eggland's Best, Inc. (EB). for a great community twitter party. Hashtag #ebeggs. RSVP for prizes (leave your twitter ID)! 

http://mkrsvp.blogspot.com/2013/10/macaroni-kid-twitter-party-with.html

Macaroni Kid #ImAFrog Twitter Party With Award-winning Author and Illustrator Mo Willems 10/15/13 1PM EST

Twitter Party Alert From SupahMommy



Macaroni Kid 
#ImAFrog Twitter Party 
With Award-winning Author and Illustrator
Mo Willems
10/15/13 1PM EST 




On Tuesday, October 15th, 2013 from 1:00-2:00 pm (EST), Tweeple are invited to join the Macaroni Kid family along with Caldecott honoree Mo Willems (@MOWILLEMS_SAYS)



"I'm A Frog!" is the 20th adventure in the award-winning, best-selling, beloved Elephant and Piggie series and we're celebrating it's October 15, 2013 release!






In I'm a Frog! Piggie has some ribbiting news! 
Can Gerald make the leap required to accept Piggie's new identity?



The party will be hosted by Macaroni Kid Publisher Mom and blogger extraordinaire, Debby Perry, who is better known by her Twitter handle SupahMommy (@supAHmommy). 

The party will feature an exclusive interview with Mo Willems,  fun prizes and doodles by Mo Willems! 


Official hashtag, #ImAFrog.

This will be Macaroni Kid’s 45th monthly Twitter Party. 


Please be sure to follow: 


Participants are encouraged to RSVP to be eligible for special RSVP-only prizes below.



Where Your Circus Dollars Go: Inside The Center For Elephant Conservation

Elephants are pachyderms.
pach·y·derm  (pk-dûrm) n.
Any of various large, thick-skinned, hoofed mammals such as the elephant, rhinoceros, or hippopotamus.

I got to meet a family of these amazing pachyderms a few weeks ago.  More specifically, a few members of the largest herd of Asian elephants in the United States.  These beautiful "ellies" as Director of Coporate Communications Ashley Smith nicknames them,  inhabit the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Center For Elephant Conservation®. (RBBB CEC) in Polk County, Florida. 


An opportunity of a lifetime.
The Center For Elephant Conservation is a private facility not open to the public.  If you’ve read much on line, as I have, you’ll read speculation & supposed first hand accounts that it’s designed this way to keep everyone from knowing the “atrocities that occur there.”  Without fail the CEC continues a steadfast focus on preserving the dwindling species of Asian elephants despite the continual activist allegations at every turn.

What's poetic?
The human caretakers surrounding, caring for and protecting these beautiful creatures- seem to have the thickest skin of all.  It's not a job that's easy in any aspect and I'd learn that first hand today during my visit.

Our small caravan rolled through a simple gate and parked. 


A large slightly weathered sign within the gates finally announced our location & a small modular style building was the first of only a few on the entire 200 acres of grounds.  The rest of the buildings, corrals and vast areas are dedicated to the elephants.  Surrounding the grounds are protected wetlands. 
I looked up to my right and that’s when it hit me.  Where I was and what I was doing there. A massive elephant. Roaming in a VAST field laden with lush grass, trees, sand piles and shading. 



(Many of the grasses and treats are grown on the property.) 


She plodded in slow-motion and it felt almost dreamlike. I learned later that she is 57 years old.  Far older than most in captivity.  A testament to the care she receives.  
It was her own private preserve and one of several on the facility that I would see. I would imagine as an elder in the herd, it's where I would want to be as well.  It was an amazing site and only the first breath of what I’d get to see during my visit. 

The CEC is a "Nursery for new generations as well as place for Asian elephants to grow up and grow old." says Janice Aria Director of Animal Stewardship, CEC.
  By the end of the day I realized that was quite an understatment.   Throughout the day I met babies, mommas, aunts, grandmas, teen boys, old men and blue haired ellies. 



We were invited into the modular building we had passed upon our entrance.  Waiting to greet us were a few of the highest levels of CEC employees.  Director of Animal Stewardship, Janice Aria.  (herself once a Ringling clown) and Trudy Williams, Manager of Animal Stewardship.  If these were some of the highest officials of the CEC you would never have known it.  Both by their casual “field” dress and their attitudes.   It was indicative of the entire facility & team.  They had a purpose and it wasn’t to impress Joe Public.  The facility speaks for itself.
They welcomed us warmly and we got started with a mini presentation about the facility as well as the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus. No questions were off limits & in fact they encouraged questions & topics many times.  Their knowledge about both the elephants in their care and the Asian elephant,  was exponential.  These are people who have for years, lived and breathed these creatures.  People who have welcomed 26 calves (one, Barack, of artificial insemination- a feat in and of itself) and who have seen the retirement and even passing of some beloved elephants in the herd.

After the presentation and informal greetings we hopped on a few golf carts and began an impressive tour of the grounds & buildings.  



This facility is entirely grass roots.  Like parenting, there are certainly no manuals for building an Elephant Conservation Center and through the years they’ve honed their craft only getting more precise in their abilities.  They aide in studies that are shared worldwide and their conservation efforts are cutting edge boasting 4D ultrasound technology and attempts at artificial insemination methods that will literally blow your mind. Not only are they preserving for the future, they indeed are building the next performers for the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus. 

I saw many, if not most of the areas of the facility. 



The areas ranged in set up depending on which type of elephants were housed for the moment & depending on their temperatment and needs at the time.

 What drew my attention most was the sheer “pristine” nature of EVERY area and it wasn’t staged. 

 

You can't hide neglect.  
You can’t cover up 15 years of miscare. 
This place was IMMACULATE. 
Nothing run down.  Not a piece of hay out of place.  It was phenomenal.  It didn’t even SMELL.  I can't say the same for the elephant exhibits I've visited in varying zoos nationwide. I commented on how clean the facility was and Aria responded, “Thank you so much for noticing. I really appreciate that.”  
It is evident that they take pride in what they do across the spectrum.   From its daily grind, poop-n-scoop upkeep, to it’s incredible studies shared world wide.   Everything is done with commitment to detail and the elephants health, temperaments and seeming trust of humans speak for themselves.  The elephants are their greatest spokespersons if you ask me.


We discussed so very much during our visit that it was absolutely overwhelming. I came away with vast knowledge (that I’ll share in the final installment of this series) about the Asian elephants, a deep appreciation for their dying species as well as a different perspective about the circus than when I first stepped onto the grounds.  I left realizing that I too cared.  That I should care.  That you should care too.  That we should ALL care. They are disappearing in their natural environment.  

From the World Wildlife Foundation:
“The main threat facing Indian elephants, like all Asian elephants is loss of habitat, which then results in human-elephant conflict. In South Asia, an ever-increasing human population has led to many illegal encroachments in elephant habitat. Many infrastructure developments like roads and railway tracks also fragment habitat. Elephants become confined to “islands” as their ancient migratory routes are cut off. Unable to mix with other herds, they run the risk of inbreeding. Habitat loss also forces elephants into close quarters with humans. In their quest for food, a single elephant can devastate a small farmer’s crop holding in a single feeding raid. This leaves elephants vulnerable to retaliatory killings, especially when people are injured or killed.”

I left the CEC feeling intently confident that every elephant on the facility was being treated with the utmost of care and their efforts on our home soil to continue conservation, are indeed valuable.  

This is where your circus dollars (and the like) go.  Like it or not.   The amount of money, time, knowledge and effort FELD Entertainment provides to preserve these species, is unfathomable.  For all the millions FELD must make on entertainment-- much of it must be poured back into this 5 million dollar private facility.  Each elephant costs approximately 60K to care for annually.


For some, no matter what level of incredible, top notch, round the clock veterinary and animal  care afforded to these creatures in the RBBB family-- it will never be enough. For others, it will be enough to know that the animals are deeply loved and that their care from start to finish, is a firm commitment of Feld Entertainment.  
With every circus stop thousands of people get the opportunity to see, learn about and fall in love with the Asian elephant.
 

"This is not just a job to us." says Aria.  
After my visit to the CEC, I’d have to agree.

This is article 2 in a series of 3 articles written by Debby Perry, Macaroni Kid of Pittsburgh LLC regarding a visit to the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Center For Elephant Conservation. You can view article 1 here.    You can also view my CEC photo album on FB.  disclosure*  While Feld Entertainment invited a select group of bloggers to visit the CEC and provided transportation, no compensation was received nor write up expected.  All opinions expressed are my own.

An Elephant Playdate. My Exclusive Visit To The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Center For Elephant Conservation®



He is but a wisp of wrinkled cuteness in comparison to his 4 ton mother Angelica, standing stoically and peaceful beside him. 


She is massive.  Formidable.  She is Mommy to Mike.  Mike is the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Center For Elephant Conservation's® 26th calf bred in captivity.   


"The Ringling Bros. Center has been blessed with more elephant calves than you can shake a trunk at – a total of 26 giant bundles of joy since Ringling Bros. initiated its conservation efforts in the early ‘90s. That’s no small feat, especially when one considers that female elephants have their reproductive cycles only four times a year and gestation lasts up to 22 months. In fact, many Asian elephant experts estimate that only two to four calves are born in the United States each year." - ElephantCenter.Com
Mike is the calf of Angelica and Romeo, both of whom were also born through the most successful Asian elephant breeding program in the Western Hemisphere, the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Center For Elephant Conservation®.

He is Angelica’s first calf but there is no first time Mommy fuss, no first time mommy muss.  Mommy is a calm & patient parent by all accounts. There is no evident distress, behavior or indications that she has been treated with anything but kindness and care. 

"Angelica is a great mother." smiles Trudy Williams, Manager of Animal Stewardship.

Angelica i
s not phased even remotely by the squeals of delight from the small group of onlookers. 




"Been there.  Done that. Yep, he's cute.  Yep, I made him.  Yep, I have bangs.  Yep, I rock them." Angelica seems to say.   

She is a vision and as mentioned above comes complete with wispy "bangs" that loll into her massive eyes.  She is a sight!  Baby Mike ambles to and from the safety of her underbelly.



He teases us, running close and then scurrying back to Mom.  A PLAY DATE his frolicking steps seem to say!

He is curious about the onlookers fussing over his every move and casually throws us teasing glances as we "ooh" and "aw" over the serious cute factor in front of us.  When's the last time  you had a play date with an elephant?  It's one you wouldn't dread, I promise! 



Lil' man Mike determines that we might be an audience worth investigating and begins a clunky stroll to where we gather watching his every move.  We stand there fixated trying to decide if this amazing moment is worth just experiencing or if an attempt to imprint it on film, is more wise.   I think we all eventually decide, this moment, just cannot be documented.

Every move he makes, every toe that touches the ground sends collective gasps and even some giggles through our small group.  Our delight signals a unanimous agreement, Mike the baby elephant is simply the cutest creature we have ever seen. 

He runs along the thin wire fence allowing us to reach out to physically touch his wiry,wrinkly skin.  It is an amazing feeling to not only touch but to be this close to an elephant.  An elephant that will never be this age again.   






We hand him carrots and he eagerly snatches them with all the patience of a 3 month old. We expect him to eat them as his Grandmother Icky  had done on the previous stop.  Instead, he gives them to his mother.

"He does not yet eat solid foods & still nurses from his mother.  He mostly plays with the food." says Williams.

She seems to take on the role of a proud Aunt.  Her knowledge is vast and her enthusiasm and care for these elephants, infinitely genuine.  She wears elephant earrings and a bright silver elephant belt buckle.  I suspect if given a sweatshirt stamped with the hoof prints of her charges, she'd wear it proudly until it could be worn no more.

She has worked with, cared for, trained and protected these & other animals for more than 20 years.  While she herself boasts a love for her personal pets, (dogs and turtles) it is evident that she has a deep affinity for the elephants and her experiences with them have been life changing. 


Mike again grabs our attention.  He is the child at the pool yelling, "Look at me Mom.  Watch.  Mom, watch.  Mom are you watching. MOM! Watch!" He is bursting with energy, playful and rambunctious, surprising us with his level of curiosity.  He reaches out with his trunk to touch a fellow group member and I nab some fantastic shots.  







Once in a lifetime continues to repeat in my mind.

It's my turn to "meet" Mike.  I bend down to call him over and he responds instantly.  At such a young age he is already integrated with humans.  There is no distrust.





While checking each other out, he sneaks a surprise trunk snuggle on me nearly knocking me off balance. 



He is most assuredly, not a baby and his 400 lb snuggle reminds me that while cute, he is an formidable animal.  

His growing frame is only a glimpse into the massive creature that he will someday become. Here at the RBBB Center For Elephant Conservation® (www.elephantcenter.com) he will possibly be a part of the ongoing breeding program that hopes to continue to preserve the dwindling Asian Elephant population. 

"If we don't take an active part in the solution, we are a part of the problem." says Director of Animal Stewardship CEC, Janice Aria.  
It is an experience like no other. 


Next week, I'll continue this three part series with an article entitled, " Where Your Circus Dollars Go.  A Glimpse Into the Real Plight of Asian Elephants."  I'll tell you what else I found at the Center For Elephant Conservation as well as address issues that we were given the opportunity to discuss with experts.  This was just one stop of many,  on an exclusive behind the scenes look at the CEC. 


This is article 1 in a series of 3 articles to be written by Debby Perry, Macaroni Kid of Pittsburgh LLC regarding a visit to the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Center For Elephant Conservation.   Please visit next week for the release of article #2. 

Disclosure:  Feld Entertainment invited a select group of national bloggers to tour the CEC.  While accommodations and transportation were provided, no review was required nor any compensation received.   My views are carefully expressed and shared honestly after my experience at the CEC. 
 

Why I'm Not Mike Tyson


Yesterday I was in the kitchen and readying a fantastic dip for a family reunion because this is what I do to care for my family and obviously prepare to re unionize with loved ones.  


I make dips to symbolize my familial adoration.

Wish me into your family right now, go ahead.


 I'm completely comfortable in the kitchen and whip up Sam's Club Premade meals you wouldn't believe!  Seriously, I should have my own cooking show on all channels including but not limited to,  local public access.  <  All total lies.


My kids asked what a skillet was the other day.


How embarrassing! 


I had to remind those {sillies} that a SKILL-ET  was Rapunzel's weapon of choice against intruders & that if they were smurt, they'd take a lesson or two from her.


So anyways, I'm dip making with all my fabulousness.  I'm not rushing or anything ( I'm always completely and never last minute because that would be  unsafe)

In the kitchen, I'm a freak about safety.  Actually, in general I have all kinds of safety rules.

 Most of them involve yelling out the rule right before the shit hits the fan.

We don't run on concrete with skewers children!

Yep, that's why kiddos.
 Now you only have 1 eye.

 GREAT.


It makes me feel like I've done a good job when they're bleeding and I say, "I told you so."

Because I am warped.


So I am cleaning up my mess.

 It involved Tin Cans.
Don't judge my dip.
I can feel it already.
You're judging my dip.
Snooty lil Betty Crockers.



So I gather up all the tin cans and matching lids and carefully, oh so carefully put them into a grocery bag. I don't want anyone getting cut on them now, do I?

 I then put them into the garbage can ( and as I do I faintly hear a ghostly voice saying "we don't push tin cans down into the garbage!" )

It's the ghost of safety past telling me I'm an idiot and dosing me up with some a good old taste of my own.

Because I pushed that sucker down in the can and SLICED my hand open right smart.

I'm fairly sure I fainted for a bit before I  hit the floor.   I don't do injuries.  Even ones that allow for me to say "I told you so."  Skewers in eyeballs aren't my thang.

(I tolllld you so)  I faintly heard.

 I am evidently trained as not only a chef and safety patrol, I am also a paramedic.

What did this paramedic do when I woke up from my unsafe act? 


I looked right into  THE FOLDS of my cut and saw my foot.

When I came to I screamed for DBD.  I tried to make my scream one of those screams that's separate from my normal screaming about this and that.  It was hard weeding through my file of screams and finding the one that says I THINK I CUT MY FUCKING APPENDAGE OFF MOTHER FUCKER PLEASE COME SAVE ME.

 and in the meantime, WHILE I WAITED,  I grabbed some bounty and began pinching.


I looked to DBD to help me and of course the MO FO, trained to defend our country, looks wild eyed and ready to hit the floor himself.  I KNEW he was highly trained in Navy fire safety, extinguishing TomCat jet fires-- yet couldn't figure out how to put out an effin grease fire on the stove-- yet I never thought he'd go all jelly belly legs on a cut.


I think we were both in the same paramedic class.

I get a hold of my sister.  Because Nenny knows all things.


My medical -ish sister asked if I could see any "fatty tissue." in the open cut. 


*****************faint**************


After I "came to" --- I told her there was nothin on this hard body but protein and muscle baby & hung up on her skinny ass. 

HOW DARE SHE! 


So anyways-- we stay conscious.  It's a miracle.  WE somehow bandage it up.  He is trying to get Neo To Go SPRAY , to open up like a salve.

I have to tell him that it's a SPRAY  and that the top, isn't coming off no matter how much his milk bone fingers pry at it.

So I peroxide the fold , he gets some bandages on it.

Then he says to me as he picks up some Vaseline sitting in a jar--- because he has gained his composure now that the cut is hidden.


Oh!!

  We shoulda put some Vaseline on your( 1/2 inch wide , 3 inch deep ) cut before we bandaged it!


Me, blinking at him. What the fuck for??


"Because that's what boxers do."


 I'm fearing for all future days when my children have skewers in their eyes & he's the only parent around.

Long story short.
I'm okay.




I'm never taking this bandage off but I'm okay.


Send me cards.









How I Killed The Birds and The Bees

Whoever coined the term "The Birds and The Bees" should be sucker punched-  straight up.



Twice.
Really fast so they don't know the first, nor the second punch is coming.
I guess that's mighty redundant though huh?



I guess that's mighty redundant though huh?  lol


Because that's kind of how the big ol S. E. X.  n Babays  topic hit my family.
Like a sucker punch.

Here's how it all unfolded.
Piece by ever lovin mother flubbin piece.
And of course, it's funny.

Because what is the 303 household, if not funny?

This past month were all up in Kansas' grill.
On a beautiful family farm in the town of Hope, which my Mother In Law was born and raised in.

Here I'll show you where it is.


Okay.. just whatever about locating it.


 So anyways were on a farm.

Like... A Farm ...Farm.


Mmmkay?


My kids freaking LOVED every second of it.

Like.. EV. er. Y. glorious, dirty, muddy, DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO JUMP IN THE PUDDLE, mucky, YES, that IS a DEAD CHICKEN... poopy, hairy, WHAT IS THAT SMELL,feathery, flocky, NO EGGS DONT' COME OUT OF CARTONS,  sheepy, DON'T SQUEEZE THE CHICKENS NECK,  donkey, chickeny, IS THAT A TICK??? rainy,  OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DIRTY, WHAT THE EFF IS A CHIGGER???  mosquito  IS THIS A CHIGGER!????? Second of it.

THEY LOVED IT.
AND WE LOVED WATCHING THEM.


Before heading to the farm did I consider the possibility of having to explain where chicken eggs came from, how the sheep got a bay-bay in her or what was hanging from Mr. Donkey Shlong?

Sure Thing.
I was all ready.
 Eye of the tiger. 

I was just going to L. I. E.  and focus on the amazing watermelon that was growing in Aunt Carrie's garden.  It's all about redirecting. :)

Did you not read my last post? 
Non fans.

Regardless, did that opportunity ever arise?
Nope.

That shit totally passed them by.  They could care less. 

What DID happen is that a family member inadvertently shared that a younger cousin-- would be UNABLE to SWIM with us at the water park in front of my 3 girls.

* wink wink *


Mother.  Heffer.

This lil harmless mention, started an onslaught of questioning by my wee little ones.

You see, MY kids don't care about much in the world----  EXCEPT SWIMMING.

Mess with some one's swimming privileges.

They're ALL the hell over it.


All civil rights n shit ready to picket for their cousins right to JOIN US. 




 So I went to my Momma Don't Play That --- just yet....  tool belt.
Searched out what I felt would best handle the delicate situation while we sat at the kitchen table with GRANDPA  and a sweating bullets DBD.

Went  with  ol' reliable.




So that evening.
I'm brushing my teeth because I have good dental hygiene and pumpin my self up for the bedtime routine at someone elses house.  Doing warm ups, pull ups pep talking myself in the mirror.

The door is partially closed but in a FLASH--- IT IS BANGED OPEN




 and standing in front of me.

Two kids.

Sized 7yrs and sized 9yrs.


Glaring.   Hands on hips.
A mini mob.


I am holding my toothbrush in my mouth choking on Crest, wide eyed.

 I sensed it........ it was time to pay the piper.






Sun. Uv. A Donkey.




Okay children.
Come in here for a second.


I usher them into the tiny bathroom, rehang the door on it's hinges and gather them for what will be their first glimpse of the birds and bees. 


I proceed to tell them a lightening speed with a toothbrush in hand,  a watered down 2 min  Bird.  and Bee. ( no plurals) version of why girls can't swim sometimes and how someday they TO will experience this and that THIS is how babies are made blah blah ramble ramble reaching reaching going on and on and on.



So Finally.  I am quiet.
The bee is limping to a flower, no longer buzzing and the bird lies dead on the ground.

 And my eldest says.....






























 To which I say.









I am OBVIOUSLY stellar at my mothering job.



Later I had to go to to barf out the birds, the bees and bay bay talk to my eldest.
Like every single detail sans a toothbrush in my mouth.


When I was finished I corralled DBD and sent him wide-eyed into her room to "ask her if she has any questions."

He looked like he was being sent into a firing squad.

One last look at me before he went in ... and then quietly closed the door.


3 seconds later it opened.

She's all good says he. 




My youngest.  I still haven't spoken to.  
I'm pretty sure she's scarred for life and walking around telling neighborhood kids
that girls bleed from their arms and can't swim because they'll get pregnant. 

I'm good with it. 

:)  

Only my life. 





















Supah Goes All Pinocchio


I hated Pinocchio as a kid.
Freaked me OUT.

This is why it's so fitting that I'm now a complete and total liar.
To my kids at least.

Otherwise-- I'm all about the straight and narrow.


What do I lie about?




1.  "Yes, it's white bread. Totally."








2.  " You'll like it.  Promise. "



When I totally know they're going to gag and possibly throw up while I'm standing there yelling at them " NOT TO GAG &  THROW UP."

 We're talkin meatballs folks,  not escargot for God's sake.





3.   Yes, I ordered it.  You just didn't hear the doorbell. 




4.  Yes I DID SO read those 6  pages of Barbie Secret Hearts.

I did NOT hold them together and skip them as one page turn.
 Paranoid kids.  You should just listen better, man.







5.  No, the (876) neighborhood kids are all sick.  You can't go outside today for the millionth time this summer while I sit on the porch in the heat and sweat in my ass crack.





  Aww.. so sad.
Step away from the window, NOW.
No, that's not kids you hear.  Birds.  Lots of birds.

6.  If you don't listen, Chuck EE Cheese is coming out.  (at the dentist) 
Yep, that door right there.




Now get UP.






Just…..whatever.





Forget about Texas--- Don't Mess With Her Bacon




Our Mady Moo is a ripe old age of 4.
I told someone she was 5  like 8 hours ago…  she corrected me.
Not the person.

Mady.

Whuuuut…said me?
I thought you were 5.



I can't add.  Obviously.
And shit damn hell if she's not in Kindergarten this year now…
but that's another story and obviously some more work & planning for me to pencil in now.

I'm just kidding.
About the Kindergarten thing.  
I really can't add and got her age wrong.   


So I can't add.
Nor remember my children's ages.
But I can hear.  


And what I hear-- most days--- is the pull of the grenade pin that signals the onslaught of what will be… " the screams of Mady Moo."

Click….. hissssssssssssssssssssss… BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(infinity X infinity)

Mady is a pro at effin screamin her head off when she is pissed off, tired, sad, mad, angry, hungry, cranky, sleepy, dissed, ditched or jus' plain wronged.

Don't wrong da man.
Don't you dare wrong  da wee 4 year old wo-man.

Who likes to dress herself and as I'll tell you later.  Eat bacon and .. not share. 




Just try to tell her it's 98 degrees out and that her stealthily chosen,  pink knee high boots are not appropriate water slide gear when she comes out in front of everyone you have in your backyard.

I dare you.
DOUBLE DOG * debby hisses* 

She's a pro friends.  She's got this shit down pat and the only thing you'll do is tell her what great traction they'll give her when climbing the slide.

"Don't mess with her fashion" coined DBD (my husband.)


The most recent scream fest you ask?
Weren't you there?
Didn't it make the news?



We went to dinner tonight.  I took the lot of them by myself because I AM A GOOD MOTHER and my husband is out of town.  Took them to our local Eat N Park.   A joint that only old people frequent and families with children like mine.



You should have heard her scream when she discovered that I ATE her second to last piece of COLD ASS BACON sitting on her "all done plate." 

Ohh.. you shoulda heard it.  
I watched in horror as it all  unfolded.

It was like slow mo….
she put down her my little pony. 
Turned her head to me, looked at her plate, then to me, then to her plate, then to me, then to her plate, then to me. 

Click…..






 hissssssssssssssssssssss… 









* my eyes got big* 


BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(infinity X infinity)


You could hear all of the hearing aides bursting around me.

Water glasses shattering and throwing piercing shards into strawberry pies and open faced roast beef sandwiches smothered in gravy.  (Yum)

Most embarrassing moment of fresh hell----in my life.  




Mo Fo if she didn't THROW HER MIGHTY tiny lil HEAD BACK AND ROAR LIKE A WILDE BEAST PROTECTING HER wee baby  wilde BEASTIES.

 Wee Baby BEASTIES THAT I HAD STOLEN BACON FROM!!


 So embarrassing that I began to cry nervous laughter tears while she flipped her shit. 
Not only flipping shit-- BUT SCREAMING THAT I HAD STOLEN HER BACON. 

AND EATEN IT. 

Which crime was worse..I cannot say. 


I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 

Because 
1.  I was STILL CHEWING IT while she was SCREAMING TO ALL THE OLD PEOPLE about the felon who had stolen her BACONS.   I was in danger of choking PEOPLE.   My life was in danger in SO MANY WAYS. 

2.  Don't judge. 
I was AFRAID.   

I thought she was goinna get the nun chucks next and beat that bacon out of my mouth.

So I did what any parent would do. 

I lied. 
While I crunched the bacon slowly. 



This only further enhanced the acoustical screams because not only is she a professional screamer.. she's also clearly (in hindsight) not A DUMB ASS.


Then I am, apologizing, while she is screaming like a banshee, pleading for my life as if she is Tony Soprano while bacon fell from my mouth as I laughed a nervous laugh.

As IF-- she had shown us ALL of her screaming talents.

Oh no.  Her show wasn't done.


You wanna know how to piss off a BLEATING WILDE BEAST even more?
LIE TO HER , then LAUGH AT HER.

I think we're banned from Eat N Park now.



The Felon Who Stole The Bacon:
  KDKA 10PM News





This incident is by no means a reflection of my ongoing parenting skills.
I'm proud of my parenting.
I think.

Just shut up.

i fought the heat and the heat won

It is so darn hot here in Pittsburgh and yes I am complaining.
Shutty.  Uppy.
People are so afraid to complain these days.

I excel at it.

Let's talk complain about the heat.  Some more.

The kids are freaking determined to dehydrate every molecule of their unlike my own skinny little bodies.

ALL DAY out in this heat.  
ALL.
DAY.


Whhhhatttt  is THAT about???


Sitting out in the hot ass sun…. watching.  Being a dutiful parent.



My shit didn't sign up for this duty when I squeezed them out.  
 I have never learned to read fine print!! Curse you fine print!


IT IS HOT.

No relief in site.
  Because… a 38 year old.. ( wait.. am I.. 38 or 37?)  cannot go on a little tikes waterslide.. no matter how sprightly you thinks you are .. at heart.  

So you sit out there…. in the heat.  And watch.
  In the heat.  As you sweat in places unknown…. in the heat.  
And you wonder to yourself…in the heat… if either

a.  your body is shutting down and you've pee'd yourself.. in the heat
b.  you just are so gross- that you actually sweat that much -- in your ass area.. in the heat!



It's a real self esteem booster to say the least.
And then you're super pretty neighbor comes out to say hi.  And you're all like.. "Aw snap!" Sitting there trying to be as glamorous as possible in your puddle of sweat.


My ass and all it's fat on the back end of my body-- is permanently molded to the chair I chose.  If she asks me to get up and … I don't know…. do the running man or something to haze me into my new hood--- the damn chair is going to come up with me.   I'll be the only chic-- with a plastic Kmart Adirondack chair as my ass.

But I will… do that dance.   Just so you know.  Be warned neighbors.



Where are my friends?
Why have they not come to save me. 
And bring rainsticks.  

 Or fuzzy puppies, tiny kittens and candy to LURE my children into the artificial climate I have come to love. 

No friends of mine!




Outside.  All day.  
ALL. 
DAY. 





  Every 7 minutes this is what I say. And then what they say.  Because the heat is giving me short term memory syndrome.



Chitlins...Shouldn't we go in?

NOOOOO.


Childrens….It's awful effin hooooooooot out here mo fo's -- ME thinks we should take a break! 

I didn't say those italicized parts… loudly. 


  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Foiled again.


Oh my.. IS THAT THUNDER & LIGHTENING & A FIREWORK I JUST HEARD!????



Yeah.   We should probably go in.  For safety.  Just in case.  

Let's go in. 
No… not in the pool.  Inside.  
Like INside… as in IN.. the side of the house that is the "IN" portion. 

Like… now.  



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Nothing works.
I think they're on to me.

I have no idea how I'm going to keep them inside these next few hot days.
More so, I have NO idea how I am going to sleep with my new Adirondack ass.

Any suggestions?